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This tag is associated with 107 posts

Aggressive Turkeys Force Town Emergency, Drastic Measures

Officials in Brookline, Massachusetts held an emergency town meeting after a series of brazen daylight attacks have left 46 injured and many others terrified to leave their homes. According to police, the town is under siege by gangs of wild turkeys. All schools and town offices have been ordered to close until the situation has … Continue reading

VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN JAILED!

Vice President Joe Biden is in trouble again today, following his escape from a White House holding cell where he has been kept under lock and key. Sources say that President Omaha ordered Biden to be put under house arrest after the gaff-machine made another controversial remark on the campaign trail, but the Vice President … Continue reading

President Obama Considers Declaring War Against Mexico

CIUDAD JUAREZ, Mexico (AP) — President Felipe Calderon on Thursday unveiled a “No More Weapons!” billboard made with crushed firearms and placed near the U.S. border. He urged the United States to stop the flow of weapons into Mexico. The billboard, which is in English and weighs 3 tons, was placed near an international bridge … Continue reading

Local Angler Hauls In Record Catch

Contribution by Fur, Fish & Game Magazine, July 2011 If you want to catch the big one you must have a lot of patience and nobody knows this better than Paul Harrison of Rumford ME. Paul has been fishing the polluted waters of the Penobscot River in Maine for 65 years without catching much, but … Continue reading

Thought to Be Extinct, Rare Creature Sighted in New Engalnd

(UPI) Worcester, MA – Residents of Worcester, Massachusetts are keeping an eye out, hoping to spot a creature that has not been seen for nearly 40 years. Anthropologists say that the creature, commonly called the “kid that shovels snow,” has come back from the brink of extinction. Eighty-nine-year-old Irene Collins says that one of the … Continue reading

Boston Mayor Jumps The Gun On Superbowl Wager

Boston Mayor “Mumbles” Menino made an embarrassing social blunder today when he phoned Baltimore Mayor Stephanie Rawlings-Blake and offered to bet on Sundays Superbowl game—except the Superbowl game is not being played this weekend. The Baltimore Ravens will be playing against the New England Patriots this Sunday in a final playoff game at Gillette Stadium … Continue reading

Michelle Obama: “The next one who calls me an angry black woman is going to get their ass kicked!”

First Lady Michelle Obama held a news conference yesterday to address allegations that she is “an angry black woman.” Despite her efforts to portray herself as “strong but kind,” her temper got the best of her and the press conference was shut down after she became verbally and physically abusive with reporters. After repeated questioning … Continue reading

Despite Injuries, Illegal Immigrant ‘Happiest Man In The US de A!’

(UPI) Bisbee, AZ — When 42-year-old Mexican migrant worker, Papito Cruz, was severely injured after falling from the US border fence, he thought his life was ruined. The accident occurred during an illegal nighttime crossing into the U.S. in December 2011. Cruz became snagged in the barbed wire that stretches along the top of the … Continue reading

Noneofthe Above Takes Lead in Polls, Popularity Surging for GOP Candidate

Keene, NH — With two days to go before the New Hampshire Republican primary, the field of candidates has been reshuffled and a new front-runner has emerged. A final re-count of the Iowa caucus votes shows that GOP candidate Noneofthe Above got 13 percent of the vote. Buoyed by this fourth place finish, Above has … Continue reading

Scavanger Hunt Drives Up Death Rate At US National Parks.

A college student from Massachusetts was killed yesterday when the Liberty Bell loosened from its supports and fell on top of the man, trapping him underneath. Despite the half-hearted efforts of rescue personnel, the three-ton copper dome could not be moved and the man died inside some three hours later, quite unhappy. It was Pennsylvania’s … Continue reading

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