Snooki Polizzi, the adorable pig-faced star of Jersey Shore recently gave birth to a baby boy and gave The Daily Cricket the 63rd ‘exclusive’ interview from her home in New York.
Cricket. Tell us about the pregnancy.
Snooki. I had no idea that I was pregnant. I was eating all the time. People were calling me ‘Snackie’, so I just wore more Spankx, like 3 or 4 pair at a time. I went to the hospital because I had a burning between my legs, kinda like when I had the clap.
Cricket. The doctors said it was the easiest delivery they have ever had thanks to your over-sized and often used vagina.
Snooki. I stood up and the next thing I know the kid falls right outta me and I’m like..OMG..is that a fuckin’ rat ? A guy from hospital maintenance came in and put caution tape around my bed so that nobody would fall into my stinkpipe.
Cricket. Where did the baby’s name Lorenzo come from?
Snooki. I named the baby Lorenzo because it’s a holy name, from the apostle Larry. He’ll be small like his mother. I’m only three feet six but I like being short. It’s what they call in Jersey ‘fellatio perfect”.
Cricket. The webcast of the birth got mixed reviews. The New York Times said that ‘ the baby looked like a muskrat coming out of a broom store’. Entertainment Weekly said ‘Baby Lorenzo looked like a wet black Lab emerging from a sewer pipe’ and USA Today said ‘one no longer has to imagine what a feeble monkey shot out of a hair-cannon looks like’. Was it just a publicity stunt?
Snooki. I’d like to think of it as entertainment television. We’re thinking that it could kick off a new show like Celebrity C-section.
Cricket. What’s the hardest part of having a baby to take care of?
Snookie. Remembering the kids name and where I put it. Last week I left him in a cab by accidental mistake. I enjoyed the few hours without him, I’m so frickin’ tired. Having kids is a pain in the fricking ass. Do you want a frozen margarita?
Cricket. It’s 8 o’clock in the morning.
Snooki. It’s OK because these are virgin margaritas. That means that none of the guys have stuck their dick in them, but here’s to hoping.
Cricket. Are you breastfeeding?
Snooki. Are you crazy? The kid is a little young to be playing with the girls, don’t you think? I’ll wait until he’s 15 or so. I’m giving him a bottle. Took me a week to figure out which end to put the bottle in.
Cricket. Who is the father of the baby. There’s a lot of speculation as to who it might be.
Snooki. Wish I knew myself but it was dark in the room when I got ‘banged up’. It mighta been Vinny or Jimmy Jay or Tony Bahda-Bing-Bang-Boom. Those guys lied to me. They said they was gunna hit me in the pooper but one of those sons a bitches jimmied open my front door. One of them pricks is the father and I’m going to have a forensics test done to find him.
Cricket. Good luck with that.