Mr. Russ Undergoes Gender Reassignment

To All Employees:

As you may know, Russ Troano is out on medical leave. Although the reason for his leave is reported as “carpel tunnel surgery recovery,” the truth is that Ross has, in fact, undergone the final operation in his trans-gender reassignment process.

In order to help Russ through this transition, we must all support his dream of becoming a beautiful butterfly and treat him—or rather, HER—with the respect she doesn’t deserve.

Russ has struggled with his sexual identity since childhood. As a boy, he often put on his aunt’s fur coat and crawled across his front yard, enticing neighborhood dogs to hump him.

In his junior-high school years, he spent hours making-out with his Leif Garrett poster.

In high school, he joined the theatre group and won the lead role as Eleanor Roosevelt in the musical production “World War II.” To a close friend, he described being able to wear nylons and a dress as, “the most liberating experience of my life.”

Russ stayed with theatre and, in college, tried out for every female role. Having a beard and weighing nearly 300 pounds made it tough to land a role, but his natural talent (for fellatio) convinced one director to let him play Madeline Albright in the historical Burlesque show “A Bull-Dyke Goes To Washington.”

Two years ago, Russ decided to undergo the lengthy process of trans-gender reassignment, beginning with 12 months of hormone injections.

You may have noticed that his breasts, stomach and hips were getting bigger, that he sweated profusely, and had episodes of confusion. These are the typical side effects of daily estrogen shots.

Mr. Russ will now be known as Cynthia Troiano.  He will physically appear as a “Rubenesque” woman. Cynthia will have an ample bosom and a brand-new honey pot down below.

Although her appearance may be shocking at first, we ask that you be sympathetic and understanding. In order to make this easier for all of us, we have provided answers to some of your questions:

From Bob B:

Q. I respect Russ’s difficult decision and realize that she may be emotionally sensitive when she returns, so what’s the best way to make fun of her?

A. Lewd and/or sexual comments, obscene gestures, coarse remarks and funny imitations are signs of an immature person. ANY taunting and teasing violates her rights and should be done behind her back.

From Dave F:

Q. Will Russ—I mean Cynthia—still be using the urinals in the men’s room?

A. Yes, but only to wash her face and hands.

From Bob S:

Q. If I find myself attracted to Cynthia, does that mean I’m gay?

A. No, but it probably means that you are really drunk and need to get home right away.

From Tim L:

Q. Will he still be giving free erotic massages at his home on Saturday evenings?

A. No. In order to pay for the expensive surgeries, Cynthia will not be performing free massages any more, but will be offering a “friends and family” discount of ten percent.

From Steve S:

Q. Sometimes, when I work with women, I get an erection. Can I show it to him?

A. Yes.

From Mark:

Q. I understand that his penis was surgically removed, but what happens to it after that? Do they throw it in the trash?

A. Most penises that are removed during TGR surgery are immediately reattached to a female-to-male TGR patient. However, in Russ’s case, the penis did not meet the minimum size requirement and was attached instead to a Chihuahua that had been maimed in a dogfight.

From Vinny:

Q. Russ is grumpy enough already. Are you telling me that now he’s going to have his period every month, too?  Sweet mother of God! And what about menopause?

A. Science has not brought us to the point where TGR patients can have periods yet. In order to closely simulate that special time of the month, she will, for one week, walk around with tacks in her shoes and a cactus in her underpants.

From Chance N:

Q. Can Russ get pregnant?

A.  Only if she can find somebody drunk enough to have sex with her. Based on the behavior of some employees at last year’s Christmas party, there’s a good chance of that.