Keene, NH — With two days to go before the New Hampshire Republican primary, the field of candidates has been reshuffled and a new front-runner has emerged. A final re-count of the Iowa caucus votes shows that GOP candidate Noneofthe Above got 13 percent of the vote.
Buoyed by this fourth place finish, Above has made strong headway in the latest polls. A national Gallup Poll puts Noneofthe Above well ahead of the other candidates, with 78 percent of voters saying they would vote for Above, although they admit there is some question as to whether he can beat Obama in the November general election.
Supporters of Above say they are not happy with their choices, and Noneofthe Above seems like the best choice.
“Noneofthe Above has run a clean campaign and hasn’t made any missteps,” says former Romney supporter, Hank Newton of Greenfield, New Hampshire. “Noneofthe Above is for the Middle Class. Noneofthe Above seems to genuinely care, and understands what the Hell is happening on Main Street. Plus, the Above campaign hasn’t taken a single cent from PAC groups or from Washington lobbyists. Noneofthe Above understands what this country needs and is not a Washington insider…he’s the only candidate who hasn’t made any promises he can’t keep. I support Noneofthe Above.”
Eighty-two-year-old Gerty Sumner said that she’s been undecided about who to vote for until today.
“I’ve watched all the debates and I’ve met all of the candidates face-to-face, and in my opinion, they all suck,” stated the grandmother of 13. “As far as I see, our choices are: 1) a cantankerous old grouch; 2) another idiot from Texas; 3) a fat-cat insider; 4) Richy Rich; 4) a Bible-thumping whiner; and, 5) Noneofthe Above. I think that Noneofthe Above will make a great president.”
Above’s campaign chairman, Mike Feldberg, said that nearly three million dollars have come into the campaign coffers since Iowa, and a groundswell of supporters have opened six campaign offices in New Hampshire.
When asked about the plans for the upcoming campaign in South Carolina, Feldman said, “Guess which candidate is going to stay in New Hampshire for a couple of days, just to thank his supporters before he takes off for South Carolina? That’s right. Noneofthe Above.”
President Barack Obama said in a press release, “I look forward to debating Noneofthe Above. I have no doubt that Noneofthe Above is qualified to be President of The United States, but I ask you…do we want to put the future of this country in the hands of a Washington outsider? Personally, I would feel more comfortable putting this country back into the hands of the ‘experienced politicians’ that led us into this recession in the first place. We shouldn’t panic. We don’t need change. We need consistency, even if it’s wrong.”
Noneofthe Above attributes his new-found popularity to the fact that voters are sick and tired of the status quo.
“What I offer is real change, and I’m not talking about the change in your pocket. I am not beholden to Wall Street, to labor unions, to the banks…or to the GOP party, for that matter. I am loyal only to the American people. I am the only candidate who is running for the people, not for my ego or for party politics. The American people don’t want a millionaire, they don’t want a politician. They want someone smart, somebody with integrity. They want somebody who will go to Congress and the Senate and punch people in the face. They want somebody who will fight for America and there’s only one choice—Noneofthe Above.”