Until recently, the most exciting thing that ever happened to Melvin Sledder of Garbinton, Vermont was meeting has-been actor Eric Estrada in a local restaurant 30 years ago.
But two weeks ago, Sledder found himself in a hair-raising encounter with street toughs while peddling his bicycle on Route 110 in Oxford. Several unknown assailants knocked Melvin off his recumbent bicycle, threw the ridiculous contraption into a ravine, and called him unflattering names. They took his wallet and left him lying in the road wearing only colorful bike shorts.
Things went from bad to worse when he got a call from his credit card company the day after the attack.
“They asked me if I had bought tickets to a Kil Whyty concert in Miami. I told them that I didn’t even know what Kil Whyty was and, besides, my doctor said that I should not go to Florida because of my allergies,” Sledder explained. “Those crooks cleaned out all the money I had in my savings account—over 140 dollars. I was saving for a windscreen for my recumbent.”
Sledder’s credit cards were maxed-out, and just as he had begun the long, arduous process of cleaning up his credit, he received an interesting package in the mail.
After just five days impersonating the hapless man, the thieves returned all his account information. They also provided records of all their unscrupulous transactions, money to cover all their purchases and a note explaining why they returned his identity.
“Yo, dude. I don’t want your identity no more. After gittin’ into your personal life and your records, you are the most boring, lame-ass mother-fucker I have ever seen. I do not, even for one more goddamn minute, want to pretend to be you. I was embarrassed and humiliated just pretending I was you. You 40 years old and still living witch your Mama? Damn! You need to get yourself a mother-fucking job, go on vacation and get a girlfriend or some shit like that. Until then—keep yourself cuz I don’t want you!”
Not only did the humiliated thieves reimburse all his money, they sent an additional 20 dollars “to either buy yourself a life or get a rope to hang your sorry ass with.”
Melvin, a self-proclaimed bachelor, said that he finds the robbers accusations of being boring ungrounded.
“I don’t consider myself boring at all. In fact I consider myself a rather interesting fellow,” said the bachelor. “I’m a long-standing member of the National Recumbent Bicycle Club. I enjoy watching Community Access Television and C-SPAN, and I happen to own the fifth-largest anime figurine collection in New England. I also track migratory birds and I was—WAS—a member of Citizens With A Perfect FICA Score, but not any more. This ordeal has cost me greatly,” lamented Sledder.