Inmates at the Mystical Mental Institution aren’t getting much sleep these days as they eagerly await the arrival of Hollywood Jones this coming Friday. The 28-year-old superstar is slated to make a sympathetic appearance at her former workplace as part of a court ordered community service ruling. Thirty two inmates, some crafting engagement rings from old hardwood or scrap metal, have plans to ask for the rising stars hand in marriage, provided they can drink enough to get up the courage.
” She likes me,” said one anonymous fellow. “Most girls think I’m weird or creepy but I really think Hollywood Jones has the hots for me. She even remembered my name once.”
The red carpet will be rolled out for the star and employees are gearing up for the party.
“I started brushing my teeth again in case she talks to me. I’m worried about my beer belly though. I might wear spankx,” said a guy only known as James. “She’s the only girl that’s never puked on me. That’s gutta mean something,right? I don’t make her sick to her stomach. That’s as good as it gets for me.”
All stops will be pulled and no expense spared as the swanky affair will likely be another photo shoot for the Food Channels series Best Fucking Holiday Parties. Local culinary star, Jody Adams has begged to work on the new menu and it will undoubtedly be heavy on lobster, Kobe steaks, and local oysters.
But the real star will not be Adams or her award-winning dishes. It will not be the live performance by Shakira or the pole dance duet by Demi Moore and Natalie Portman. All eyes will no doubt be on Hollywood
Mental Institution employee, Bill said he’s nervous about meeting the now famous star. “The only famous person I ever met was Frank Stallone. I was in the mens room at Vinny Testas and he came in. I was so nervous I pissed all over my shoes — and his. He looked at me. He did. He looked right at me.”
“This is gunna be the bestest Christmas party — EVER! I don’t git ta see many women,” says anonymous inmate named Dave as he slicked back his hair with spit covered hands. “I don’t know what to say around them. My hands get sweating and I get all choked up. Drinking’ helps though. I am going to get fucked up and then I’m going to say something to her —- i just don’t know what it is yet but it’s gunna be clever.”