Newt Gingrich continues to extend his lead as the front-runner of the GOP hopefuls following last night’s debate at the Trump Towers in New York. The debate, moderated by Donald Trump, lasted nearly 60 minutes and proved to be the most lively debate so far this year.
Gingrich came under constant attack by his opponents, but his tenacity kept him centered and he was able to remain cantankerous despite the verbal blows that battered the candidate all evening.
Gingrich was the only GOP candidate to accept Trump’s invitation to attend the tenth Republican debate. Nonetheless, Trump turned the event into a star-studded spectacle, replacing absent Republican candidates with Homeless Jerry, two reluctant volunteers, porn star Chlamydia Dream, an IKEA table lamp, a cardboard cutout of Gingrich and—filling the final spot—Trump’s toupee, propped up on a broomstick.
“These are the candidates who have any real chance of winning,” said Trump at the start of the show. “After tonight’s debate we should have a clear picture of what each Republican candidate stands for.”
The debate started with Trump announcing his candidacy for President of Planet Earth. Trumpets were blown and paid actors rose in great applause at the announcement. The always-humble Trump, in his announcement speech, declared, “If I’m not nominated for President of Earth, then I’ll accept any invitation to be the vice presidential running-mate of any of my candidates.”
Fireworks started early when Gingrich accused his cardboard cutout of being two-sided.
“You have no backbone,” Gingrich shouted. “You’re shallow, and highly flammable.”
The cutout, obviously stunned by the surprise verbal attack, remained speechless for some moments before unexpectedly falling over when a cooling fan turned on and knocked the corrugated candidate to his face.
Suddenly, Homeless Jerry sprang from behind his podium to pick up the toppled Gingrich cutout, shouting to the broomstick holding Trump’s toupee, “You’ve killed him! That Communist hairpiece shot the fuckin’ president!” He then folded the fallen likeness in half and stuck it in his shopping carriage.
Trump steered the debate in a different direction when he asked Chlamydia if she could name all 50 states.
“States? Ummmm…State of confusion. State of disbelief. Ummmmmm…State Department. This is hard. Let me see. A set of state knives. Oh! The Ohio State Fair! Ah, state your business and…and New Jersey!” she answered proudly.
Later Gingrich’s moral integrity was called into question when reluctant volunteer participant, Jim, asked the candidate to explain his three marriages and his extra-marital affairs.
“I tried to squeeze-in as many women as I could with my busy schedule, so I don’t have a lot of notches on my bedpost….yet,” Gingrich stated. “But when I get in that Oral Office, there’s going to be bitches! We’ll start December with Chanukah Lewinsky!”
Trump and Chlamydia nodded in agreement.
Homeless Jerry’s Turrets-inspired interruptions finally began to irritate Gingrich. His outbursts threw-off Gingrich’s timing throughout the evening, particularly when he called Gingrich “a braggart,” a “printing press of lies,” and, at one point, a “tuna fish sandwich.”
Gingrich, finally addressing him, said, “Jerry, as a participant, you have rights. However, if you open your rot hole one more time, the next right you will have is a right hook.”
No sooner had Gingrich begun another diatribe when Homeless Jerry interrupted him yet again, at which point Gingrich picked up the third debater, the IKEA lamp, and hit Homeless Jerry upon the head.
Trump restored order and closed-out the debate by asking each candidate to name the person who has inspired them the most.
The IKEA lamp, apparently stunned by the blow it gave to Homeless Jerry’s noggin, gave no answer.
Gingrich named Joseph Stalin as a real hero to him.
Trump’s toupee, under advice from its attorney, took the fifth amendment and refused to answer the question.
Chlamydia Dreams said that Arnold, the pig from the Green Acres television show, inspired her to become an actress.
Gingrich’s cardboard cut out, now in Homeless Jerry’s shopping cart, had no reply.
Volunteer Number One said that he admired Ronald Regan, and Volunteer Number Two said Margaret Thatcher’s husband was a great man.
And Homeless Jerry replied, “The opossum.”
Exit polls showed that Volunteer Number One gave the most intelligent and straightforward answers. Also, Gingrich’s cardboard cutout was more personable and honest than Gingrich himself and Homeless Jerry made the greatest impression, until Newt banged him on the head with the IKEA lamp. Polls also showed that people who thought Trump would not make an excellent vice president were taken outside and roughed-up by Trump’s security team.