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SPORTS, TOP NEWS

American Skater Dupree Lands Elusive Triple Camel-toe

Renee Dupree sexuality came into question when he threw a perfect spiral pass to a fan during the 2008 Olympic games.

Top American skating champion Renee Dupree thrilled the figure skating world yesterday after he landed a perfect triple camel-toe. Cell phone video shows Dupree and three cheerleaders nailing the move at a local skating rink after the rink was closed. The seemingly impossible maneuver has been done before but usually in a pool. The move was first perfected by basketball star Wilt Chamberlain and then copied by publisher Hugh Hefner.

“Hefner did the triple camel-toe everywhere. He did it in pools, on the lawn and once in a hot air balloon but never on figure skates,” said ESPN host Jim McFerson.

During a press conference held in front of a Hooters restaurant in his home town of Frozenbend, North Dakota, Dupree made a surprising announcement that stunned the figure skating world.

The gold medalist told reporters, “I, Renee DuPree, am a heterosexual male. I have struggled with my sexual identity my  whole life, and today, with the love and support of my partner, I am announcing to you and to the figure skating world that I am straight and that I love titties. Big titties.”

The news was met with shock and disgust by skating officials and fans, and the declaration could cost him his career. Mark Sheerborn, vice president of the International Skating Union, said that the ISU is seriously looking into the matter.

“We are looking into whether or not Dupree is violating any ISU rules, and I suspect that he is. If he isn’t, we’ll make some up. The ISU doesn’t want any of his kind ruining the reputation that male figure skaters have been building for decades. It is unacceptable that we have these “breeders” representing the ISU.”

Those close to DuPree  say that they are not surprised by the announcement.

“Oh, I always suspected he was straight,” said figure skater Ramone LePipe. “The way he skated around the rink all still-legged and wearing those camouflage outfits, chewing tobacco and spitting on the ice? OMG, that faker would belch out loud. He was a pig but a very,very sexy pig.”

Dupree, on a 2010 hunting expedition with five other men, allegedly chewed tobacco, belched, farted and told tittie jokes.

Last year, Dupree came under fire after he was caught exhibiting  male behavior while on a hunting trip in Wyoming. Incriminating photos show the straitlaced athlete gutting a mule-deer, smoking cigars and watching football on a battery-powered television. Dupree was suspended by the ISU but was later reinstated after a court ruling found that the photos were pornographic because the 8-year-old mule-deer was not wearing any pants.

“I realize that I am not going to be accepted by everybody,” said Dupree. “I’ve been hiding and lying my whole life. I let people believe that I was gay because I didn’t want to be made fun of. I’m glad that I came out.”

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About Bobby Bou

Editor of The Daily Cricket

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