After weeks of denying charges of sexual misconduct, Herman Cain finally got his hand caught in the nookie jar when Ginger White (who is neither, by the way) came forward last week and claimed that she’s been having a 13-year affair with the Georgia businessman. This last incident blew the Cain train off the campaign tracks and, after days of pondering, he decided to throw in the towel.
“My family comes first,” said the cheating father of five. “I have decided to end my campaign before you mother fuckers dig up any more shit on me. I hope you never talk to my neighbors or college roommates about all that other stuff you didn’t find!”
A recent poll showed that there are still six people in the United States that believe that Cain is innocent. Three of them are dead and one is in a coma. The other two remain very outspoken about their conviction.
Klide Johnson of Littledone, Alabama, a firm believer in Cain’s innocence, says that Herman Cain is the target of left-wing neo-Nazis conservative Cuban lobbyists, who blocked his bid for the White House.
“They, the Communist Cuban infiltrators, have quietly burrowed their way into the fabric of America. They’ve influenced every election since the Bay of Pigs. They paid these women to lie, to fabricate these outlandish stories so that Cain wouldn’t get elected. They were afraid that Cain was going to discover the tunnel that they have been digging under the White House for the last 39 years, a tunnel that goes straight down for three miles. That’s where the ship crashed that brought us here and killed the dinosaurs, and it’s the only way that we can get back home. They’re close now, I can feel it. A couple more feet, 10 or 15 at the most. They knew Cain was smart and would have exposed them. So they obstructed him.”
Bert Fent of Brooklyn, New York said that Herman Cain is innocent as Hell. “The white bankers and the mob and the FBI and Texas oil men all conspired against him. I have it on good authority that they had a secret meeting inside Area 51. I read things, you know. They paid all these hookers to lie so that Cain would have to spend his time defending himself. It’s a shame.”
The remaining Republic candidates had different views on what Cain’s announcement would mean for the race.
Former Governor Mitt Romney was offered Cain’s endorsement, but Mitt told Cain, “Are you kidding me? Stay the Hell away from me.”
Michelle Bachmann said that she was shocked by the news.
“I hadn’t heard a thing about all of this. I can’t believe he’s quitting. Was he the tall white guy?”
Governor Rick Perry commented, “I guess this nation is not ready for the first Black president. I know I’m not. As the governor of Arizona, I can tell you that my constituents and I am tickled pink that he’s finally quit. When you go out and do all these things that he’s done, man, you gotta cover it up! Even a cat knows enough to bury his own poop! Herbert and I butted heads, but it just showed that I’m head-strong, because we are still here and we’re going all the way to Washington B.C.!”
Former Senator Ron Paul said that now is the time to make changes or our civilization could be extinct by 2015.
“We need to shut down the FAA, the Pentagon; we need to close the Department of Agriculture and NASA; the Army Corp of Engineers; the CDC…everybody. The Constitution says nothing about disease control or flying jets. These are things that the private sector should paying for, not the American people.”