Tampa, Fla. – Angel Adams, an unemployed mother of 15 children, has been ordered by a Florida court judge to take fellatio lessons in an attempt to slow down the onslaught of illegitimate children spewing from her vagina. The unusual sentence follows weeks of arrests, court appearances and network interviews.
Judge Tracy Sheehan handed down the sentence after Adams refused to admit she was pregnant again.
“Ms. Adams, as a judge of this court and as a citizen of the state of Florida,” said Judge Sheehan, ”I am obligated to shut down the party in your pants. You apparently have no moral compass to guide your unstoppable urge to share your body with the entire male population of the Florida panhandle, so this court is ordering you to learn how to perform fellatio and how to give hand jobs. If this doesn’t slow your unabashed desire to drive up the minority population of the United States, then I will tie your tubes myself,” said the irritated judge.
Angel Adams made national headlines recently after she was thrown out of her apartment with her 15 children in tow and demanded that the State of Florida bail her out.
Tampa police say that Adams was legally evicted because she had lied to her landlord about the number of children she had living with her. The Department of Children and Families paid her bills and found a house big enough for Adams and her tribe of 15, but she was not happy with the new arrangements. Adams took the FDC to court yesterday in an attempt to force them to help her.
The presiding judge noted that Adams seemed to be irritated with the court.
“You right I mad! Somebody gutta pay for these childrens,” said the unwed mother. ”I can’t! I axed that DCF people that I been throwed out of my apartment for no good reason. Now I guts nowheres to live. Theys have to give me a place to live. Did you see that house that they was gunna put us in? Damn, who dey tink we is? That damn house right up against the fucking railroad tracks. All that noise gunna throw off my monthly cycle. Beside, ain’t no washer or drying machine and I ain’t walking down to the laundry, uh..Uh.. no way!”
The case was temporarily delayed when Ms. Adams’s uterus fell out onto the courtroom floor and court bailiffs struggled to shove it back in. After the brief but disturbing delay, Judge Sheehan told Adams that if she was to ever step foot in her courtroom again that she’d better not be wearing a dress.
“I expect you to be wearing pants,” said the judge, “and spanx…at least two pairs. I don’t want to see your Fallopian tubes in my court again.”
Adams and her children have been put up at the Four Seasons Hotel until other living quarters can be arranged.
Angel Adams has been collecting welfare and other government assistance since 1972. She has never been employed and has no source of income. In 1989 she briefly worked as a model and was seen on the March cover of Hoe Magazine. She gave up her modeling career after she received injuries falling off the casting couch of the poorly respected photographer, David Zapruder. Eight different men and one donkey sired Angel’s 15 children.
“Oh the donkey be the father of Jerome,” said Angel. “That boy shure be stubborn!”
Adams’ family has refused to help her in her latest string of problems. Angel’s brother Jobone told reporters this morning, “I am done with that crazy hoe. This well is dry so she be wasting her time dropping her bucket down on me! She just can’t keep her damn legs closed! Why ain’t those children’s daddy’s paying for them kids?”