Kourtney Kardashian announced today that she is pregnant, and that the father of the baby is none other than Herman Cain. The Republican candidate has spent the last month dodging allegations of infidelity, and this could be the one that brings his candidacy down.
At a rally in Detroit, Cain initially denied knowing Kourtney Kardashian, but then went on to recall, “Kourtney Kardashian? Is she the ugly Kardashian or the one with that jiggle-Bang-BOOM booty? Oh, yeah, now I remember her. I was helping that poor girl out and I had invited her to Miami Beach to my hotel room. In order to save some money, I suggested that we share a room but there was only one bed. I think. I’m not sure now because it was a long time ago. It’s possible that I rolled over in my sleep and accidentally impregnated her. Like I said, I don’t know her, but I might have slept with her, and if I did, I was unaware of it.”
The Georgia businessman has slipped in the polls recently after a small number of woman—just about 43,000 of them—have come forward and accused him of inappropriate touching, groping, fondling, high-fiving, caressing, foot massaging, lewd advancing, googly-eyeing, kissing, ogling, drooling, salivating, toe sucking, offering pearl necklaces and mammograms, and spanking.
“These women have active imaginations,” said Cain, “and they are trying to discredit my ruined reputation.”
Kourtney Kardashian, also known as “the hairy Kardashian,” said that she’s “pretty sure” the baby is Cain’s. However, Kourtney’s talentless sister, Kim, alleges that Kourtney is simply trying to upstage her by having a baby.
In a press conference held in her bathroom while she pooped, the high-profile actress, seamstress, covergirl, singer, and YouTube porn star told reporters, “Kourtney is sick and she needs help. She is relentless in her desire for attention. She’s not happy unless she’s in the limelight. I enjoy my privacy.”
Kim then revealed that she is starring in a new reality television show next year on MTV.
“It’s going to be great. Basically, they will be filming me while I sleep. There’s no script, no shopping, no catfights. Just me sleeping and snoring, and the occasional fart. I’m so excited. Nobody’s ever done a show like this. This will really showcase all my talents.”