President Barack Obama announced yesterday that the Federal government will invest over 200 Million dollars in Washington D.C’s “Don’t Go Out After Dark” program. The program has been popular with inner city youths, drug dealers and pimps living near the District of Columbia but has been met with skepticism from police, former victims and disoriented tourists.
“These dollars have been long overdue,” said President Obama. “For nearly 30 years, young entrepreneurs have taken to the streets of DC and they have set up their own businesses, unimpeded or restricted by government regulations. I am impressed with their enthusiasm and ingenuity,” said Obama.
“Using D.C.’s program as a template, we hope to get 30 cities engaged by 2014. It’s unimaginable that we still have urban areas where it is safe to go out after dark. We hope to change all that. I believe that this program will kick start the economy and I am unwavering in this belief,” said the soon to be former President.
In a jailhouse interview, former DC Mayor Raymond Barry said, “It’s about time that the District of Columbia received the recognition that it deserves. All across the united States, major corporations are going belly up but here on the streets of DC, our young people have built million dollar businesses from scratch. We have an incredible street-side pharmaceutical business, perhaps the best in the country. We have successfully driven down the cost of real estate year after year and we are putting the unemployable to work.”
President Obama authorized the creation of a new division within the labor department called the Department of Nocturnal Intimidation. It is expected that 7000 people will be hired to help run the program.
Paul Radcliff, head of the newly created department said, “We are going to train and coordinate the drug dealers, thugs, and muggers until there are no safe areas in any participating city. We will have classes on drug supply and distribution, advanced mugging techniques, identity theft, arson, ect. We have zero interest loans for any start-up operations.”
Reverend Jesse Jackson, a strong supporter for the program, said in a press conference held on the lawn of his mistress said “In the shadows of the greatest halls of America’s government, the young people of the District of Columbia have been hamstrung by economic slavery for over 130 years. They have been encapsulated…insulated…serrated and incarcerated. But they have not wavered…even with the heels of our oppressors on our necks…we have shown the world…that if you persevere and stay the course…you can…from within…destroy a city.”