Written by Jack Owen
LONDON, England: A spokesman for the Home Office announced plans at a press conference, to combat a recent rash of insidious attacks on the country’s elderly, by inanimate objects.
Shockingly vivid colour photographs were displayed alongside an array of objects suspected to have caused injuries. Prominent amongst them, a kidney-shaped shin-high clear acrylic coffee table mounted upon legs of similar material.
“Even with a clearly visible floral centerpiece placed on an ornate doyley, surrounded by magazines spread upon its surface, it has claimed many victims.”
A monitor displaying muted clips of outtakes, from a doctor’s waiting-room surveillance system. Despite the lack of sound, open-mouthed comments and hand gestures left little doubt of verbal responses mouthed by victim patients.
Close-up shots of the point of contact, together with a fast-forward time sequence of spreading multicolored bruises of many hues, amply illustrated the danger to the elderly.
“What this country needs is an inexpensive buffer-strip, available free to all vulnerable persons of a certain age,” Home Secretary Sir Dudley Huffinton-Puffington later confirmed while attending the International Croquet Tournament and Conservative Party Rally at Bournmouth.
A cry of anguish, followed by a stream of invective (not suitable for publication) interrupted his comments. A stocky white clad player sprawled on the manicured lawn, clutching his left ankle while kicking at an askew metal hoop with his right foot, never once pausing for breath or breaking his flow of Anglo-Saxon comments.
“Another victim of inanimate objects!” Sir Spenser growled.
“There, y’see, poor Nigel has just come a cropper. Mark my words, that hoop is not Made in Britain, I’ll bet!”
Players bearing fist-aid boxes, and one lady with a cup of tea, surrounded the fallen player. Red-faced and spluttering, he cautiously hoisted his trouser leg high enough for all to see.
The scuffed skin and rapidly spreading purple, black and blue bruise were immediately evident.
“One more victim in this relentless attack of inanimate objects,” Sir Dudly said. “Where is it all going to end?”
A national alert has been issued and bid specifications for a safety-first buffer-strip will be prepared by a Blue Ribbon Panel. Engineers, physicians and pensioners chaired by decorator Basil Higgingbottom (last year’s winner of the “Drapes to Die For” ) will present its findings in time for inclusion in Her Majesties speech at the Opening of Parliament.
Editor’s note: Sir Spencer’s ear has fully healed following the knighthood initiation incident. He has always denied any correlation between it and an earlier encounter in his career with the royal corgies.
“It was just the wind!” was his only cryptic comment despite witness comments; none of the palace windows were open. There was some speculation his comment could have referred to Prince Phillip’s frequent indiscretions.