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Yoko Ono Voice Finds Commercial Applications

In 1981,singer Yoko Ono, the former wife of John Lennon,  released her first album called Season of Glass and despite receiving bad reviews it still managed to sell nearly 60 copies. Her high-pitched voice coupled with her inability to read sheet music made for an album that “sounded like a fisher-cat being squeezed to death in a vice,” according to Rolling Stone Magazine reporter Rob Streen. “And that review was generous.”

In 1978, during on outside concert in London, fans suffered bloody eardrums and windows in nearby buildings were blown out after Yoko Ono took to the stage,

The album, though not popular with the general public, was bought up by pest controls companies when they learned that the album could drive mice and rodents from residential homes.

Sound  engineers discovered that Yoko Ono has a voice that is not only irritating to the human ear but it’s grating abilities extends both above and below humans hearing range. The only other animal that can produce such an extensive range of sounds is a mule deer in labor.

Yoko Ono’s album was back in the news recently after her recordings were being used in experiments at some major U.S. airports. Maintenance crews have been blasting her music across airfields to scare migrating birds from airport runways. Birds present a big safety issue to commercial aircraft and have caused a number of deadly crashes. Three months ago officials at Omaha’s International Airport began using her music to alleviate an ongoing problem with birds but  after the first song was played, all the birds had fled.

“The results were amazing,'” said Omaha Airport employee Pete Luce. “All the birds are gone. And when I tell you that all the birds are gone, I mean that every bird in the state has left. Every dog and every house cat within a twenty-mile radius of the airport has run off. People are really pissed off.”

At San Diego Airport officials are delighted with the results they received from the sound tests but found themselves in hot water with animal activists. Since installing the music system, virtually all marine mammals have vacated the waters off the San Diego coast.

“All the marine mammals in the San Diego area has been driven away by the Yoko Ono’s music. We’ve had 32 whales beach themselves today,” said Susan Cotter of Greenpeace. “We think they were trying to commit suicide. Playing that album is ruining the ecosystem.”

Whales along the California coast attempted suicide after hearing Yoko Ono music broadcast from the San Diego Airport.

For years military officials at the Pentagon have been trying to use Yoko Ono music as a military weapon. In 1998, an experimental plane was knocked from the skies over area 51 by what some people believe was a  concentrated beam of her music. The beam is also believed to have been the cause of a hole blown through the ozone layer over Antarctica in 1992.

In 2006, following a Senate investigation into whether or not her music being used to torture inmates at Guantanamo Bay, Season of Glass was banned as an interrogation technique. Senator John McCann, who led the investigation, said that ” it is our experience that playing Yoko Ono music for hours on end was ineffective at best. When prisoners were subject to this cruel interrogation technique we found that they would confess to anything just to get it to stop. We had one Iraqi soldier confess to kidnapping the Lindbergh baby after we threatened to play Seasons of Glass.

Yoko’s music has found its way into many other areas including the medical field where it is being used to break up kidney and gallstones.

SWAT teams across the United States are using the music to disperse unruly crowds and in Massachusetts, Fish and Game officials are using her melodies to drive coyotes from suburban areas and to knock bears out of trees.

Guy Tresko, owner Eastern Excavation in Portland Maine said that he has been using her album for years. “We use it when we’re digging through granite substrate. We have a custom-made speaker that’s 10 feet wide. We lay that speaker against the granite and the subsonic vibrations of her voice fracture the stone. It’s cheaper than dynamite..but it’s much more dangerous.”

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About Bobby Bou

Editor of The Daily Cricket

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