Businessmen Stage Occupy Main Street Protests

Businessmen, bankers and Fortune 500 executives continued their protests across the United States, occupying messy bedrooms, college dorms and the cramped apartments of people who refuse to work.

Bankers occupy the unkempt bedroom of Sheila Freeloader, 32, of Dallas. " I majored in Liberal Arts with a minor in Crochet," she Tweeted. "I still haven't found a job."

In Dallas,TX, local branch managers of People’s Credit Union camped out for the 23rd day in the home of full-time Tweeter Sheila Freeloader.

“She’s been living in her father’s house for 8 years, not paying rent and not working. I say it’s time we forced them to work.” said branch manager Frank Butler.

In a suburb outside Buffalo N.Y., bankers staged a rally against 28-year-old Jeff “Z-Dog” Zink, a full-time skateboarder and out-of-work T-shirt designer. He has been unemployed for 6 years and lives off his family since he was expelled from high school. Businessmen in expensive suits blocked the entrance to his Moms house and chanted The people, Who work, Can’t support this jerk! 

In Fort Lauderdale, a group of angry accountants crashed a midday bong party under a highway pass where able-bodied young men gathered to spend the day relaxing and discussing how wrong everything in the world is. Police clashed with the accountants and had to escort the young partygoers to a nearby beach where they panhandled for spare change, scored some weed and spent the afternoon playing hacky-sack.

Financial analyst Paul Trish said that he would be more than happy to put any one of them to work.

” They can have my shitty job. I’ve worked 18 hours a day for 22 years,” he said. ” My job is unsatisfying, my boss sucks and co-workers steal my clients. I have ulcers, my wife hates me and every morning I think about driving off the George Washington bridge. I want to give this job to some body that thinks that they want a taste of the good life that people accuse me of having.”

Jimmy DeFourice of Charleston said " I don't pay taxes. It's for suckers. And as far as working is a four letter word."

In Charleston, police were called to the home of a part-time bongo musician after bankers occupied his home and refused to leave until he payed back his student loans. Jimma DeFourise told police that he hadn’t made a payment on his college loans but didn’t really think the bank expected him to pay the money back.

“Pay it back? I wasn’t expecting to pay it back, dude,” said the bewildered bongo-beater. “I try to find work but, like ,nobody’s hiring bongo players. Like,what am I supposed to do? Besides,I have a right to not pay it back,right? The banks have plenty of money.The bankers and the politicians are in bed with each other,man.This is exactly whats wrong with this country. It’s a handful of  politicians,elected by the people, that run this country,man. Like,what kind of democracy is that man?”

Bank President Mike O’Connell said that it was people like DeFourice that he’s protesting against.

“These are the type of people need to go. They are greedy and materialistic and now that they’ve spent all their money, they want us to bail them out. I say that if you spent 80,000 Dollars for a college education and you came away with a bachelors degree in Ancient Mayan History or a degree in Literature well, guess what? There ain’t a job for you! You made a bad choice and you blew 80 grand doing it. We demand that you are accountable for your actions. We want justice.”


About Bobby Bou

Editor of The Daily Cricket


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