New Jersey officials have ordered all beaches closed on the Cape May peninsula following the sighting of a 3-foot sand shark on Wednesday. It was the second time this month that sand sharks have been seen off Atlantic City beach area.
Officials say that the three-foot-long shark was spotted in the shallow waters of Litter Beach by a far-sighted swimmer from Ohio. Well-trained lifeguards immediately panicked and then,using clubs and mace, forced all swimmers from the deadly waters. Alarm quickly spread and as swimmers fled from danger and a 92-year-old woman was knocked over and lost her dentures in the surf.
“How am I supposed to eat these fried clams?”,the woman lamented while clutching a box of the fried mollusks.“Sixteen dollars for a lunch that I can’t eat.This is a disgrace.”
Atlantic City police also reported that during the stampede, the swarm of sandy-toed evacuees toppled over a hotdog stand causing it’s culinary fare to spill over the ground. A swarm of seagulls quickly converged on the phallic franks adding to the chaos and when beach-goers accidentally stepped in pools of ketchup, E.M.T.’s feared they had been ravaged by the twenty pound carnivore.
Carla Bernstein 45, of Long Island, said it was the most horrible thing she’s ever been through.
“My little Jeffery was in the water when the shark came in for the kill. Whistles started blowing and everybody ran,screaming out the water. My little Jeffery could have drowned out there! “, said the distraught mom. “My poor Jeffery was terrified. JEFFREY! GET YOUR FINGER OUT OF YOUR NOSE! Jeffery and I were pushed and shoved off the beach and then a million seagulls began pecking and clawing us! Look at what they did to Jeffery’s inflatable dragon,” she said as she pointed to a hole in the deflated creature of lore. “Jeffery is very,very upset. JEFFREY! STOP PICKING YOUR NOSE! Our vacation is ruined and they are going to hear from my lawyer.”
Local shop keepers say that officials are over-reacting again and intend to file a lawsuit against the state. Last year local businessmen filed a suit after officials closed the beaches during the height of the Summer tourist season. Beaches were closed after the sighting of a deadly box jellyfish in the area. The beaches were reopened nearly 3 weeks later after it was discovered that the jellyfish turned out to be a nothing more than a dirty diaper floating in the water. Officials ordered the beaches closed again just 2 days after the re-opening after a 4-year-old boy stepped on a moon snail and was startled.
Paul Summerton, Director of New Jersey Parks and Beaches, defended the closings.
“ Look here, it’s our job to keep the beaches clear. You people underestimate just how dangerous these sand sharks are. These devils can grow up to 4 feet long. These monster sharks come from the darkest depths of the ocean with one thing in mind ….to eat your children, to shred them apart with their razor-sharp claws, to slash at them with their tusks , to rip their little guts out, to tear off their arms and dine upon their delicate limbs. In the eyes of these killing machines, kids are the veal of the human species.”
Paul West, researcher at Woods Hole Oceanographic Institute in Falmouth, Massachusetts said he agrees with Summerton.
“If a swimmer was to accidentally step in a sand sharks open mouth, that person could get a nasty cut. These sand shark has very sharp teeth and can be unpredictable if cornered,” said West. ” A beachgoer could easily step on a snail and damage an arch or perhaps twist an angle. One can get scratched by barnacles and then there’s nasty horseflies on top of all this.The beach is a hostile environment.The beach is by its very nature,a deadly place.”