The body of the late Hugh Hefner launched an attack today against rumors that claim that he is dead. In a press conference held in the kitchen refrigerator at his Playboy mansion the corpse denied the allegations.
“Mr Hefner is not dead,” said the body, “He is alive and well and in fact is still pretending to have sex with playmates.”
Entertainment Tonight ran a story 3 days ago that alleged that Hefner died sometime last November. According to an insider at the Holmby Hills Playboy Mansion, Hefner died of auto-erotic asphyxiation while watching gay porn alone at the 115 acre estate.
“We found him dead in his closet with a brazier wrapped around his neck. He loved to pretend that he was a Playboy Playmate doing photo-shoots. He had no heartbeat and he wasn’t breathing. The problem was that he was so hyped up an Viagra, Cialis and cocaine that his body wouldn’t stop moving. This guy was DEAD and he still had a hard-on. We didn’t want anybody to know. We attached strings to all his joints and then Miss January, who is a really great puppeteer, got him to his feet. We put a hole in his back so that Kendra could put her arm in and move his lips and dentures during interviews. We kept this going for 8 months.”
Four days ago, at Hefner’s highly promoted “Tits For Tots” fundraiser, his arm fell off during a speech and he was quickly whisked off stage by security. All cameras and cell phones were confiscated by Hefner Security in an attempt to control the situation but several photos somehow emerged clearly showing the stings used to control his movements.
Police are interviewing Holly Harris who was Hefner’s girlfriend at the time of his death and for seven months following hid death.
” I had no idea he was dead. Hugh always had bad breath and in bed…well he just kinda laid there. I can’t believe that I had sex with a dead guy…….again,” she said. ” I am devastated. But now that he’s dead though, I get half of everything right?”