Disaster struck today during 4th of July festivities in Boston when naval re-enactors accidentally sunk a party boat in Boston harbor. The ship, Spirit of Boston went down instantly, sending it’s 350 passengers and their over-priced drinks into the chilly waters. At least 35 people were injured and hundreds got wet. One person remains missing.
According to Boston police, the Second Auxiliary Naval Adjunct, a group of volunteers who portray the everyday life of American sailors during the Spat of 1846, was demonstrating the firing of ship cannon when it unexpectedly went off. The Spirit of Boston was nearly 3 miles from Castle Island when it was hit below the waterline by the beefbomb and began to sink immediately. The ship fired off emergency flares, which initiated cheers from nearby boats, as they believed that the fireworks show had begun.
Boston Police are questioning a member of the Naval Adjunct, Lt. John Smith Brewster 26, of Springfield, about the incident. Brewster has admitted to Boston Police that he was “sick and tired of loading the cannon and never getting to fire the fuckin’ thing off .”
Spectators were delighted with the unscheduled display of marksmanship.
“That was the most realistic re-enactment we’ve ever seen,” said one tourist.”Sinking a real ship? Brilliant! We’ll be back next year.”
Boston Police Chief Paul Zuckerman said that Brewster admitted to them that he had packed the cannon the night before with fireworks and then hammered a meatloaf into the cannon barrel.
“He packed the barrel with bottle rockets, firecrackers, Cuckoo’s, Fountain of Happiness, whatever he could get his hands on. In lieu of a real cannonball, he used his wife’s meatloaf as a projectile. That thing penetrated the ½ inch steel hull of the Spirit of Boston and demolished both of it’s engines”.
Divers recovered the meat loaf from the sunken ship. It was described as being an under-seasoned 12 pound shot, and was covered with Dorchester Caviar, better know as ketchup.
A Coast Guard spokesperson said that the ship was filled to capacity with intoxicated passengers who spent the day sunburning themselves as they waited for the 4th of July fireworks celebration to begin.
“I’m proud of the way these Boston folks handled themselves during the evacuation,” said Coast Guard Captain Jeff Tanner at nearby U.S.C.G. station Hull . ”Instant panic took hold of the passengers. Young men pushed women out of the lifeboats. People stole beer, prime rib and brass railings. Three women claim that they were groped and seven women are angry because they weren’t. There were several fist fights but mostly amongst the crew.”
Mr. Paul Conner 52, of Medford remains missing. His wife Pauline who was also on board said that she was terrified during the ordeal.
“The boat went down quicker than a bull-dike on Ellen DeGeneres. My husband and my pocketbook are still missing. I’m devastated. I’m really beside myself. I loved that handbag, ” said Mrs Connor. “My Wampum card is in that bag.”
Coast Guard ships and helicopters continue to search for the handbag which is described as a black leather Coach 9 knockoff with single clasp. An unnamed source said that the bag could survive for no more that 48 hours in the chilly waters off of Massachusetts.
John Brewster remains in custody as police bring charges against him. “There is no legal precedence for the shooting of a meat product and sinking a ship at sea by said means”, said police Chief Zuckerman. “As of now we’ve charged him with a 216.4, knowingly and wantingly launching a meat missile. This is the same charge that we press against fans who throw hotdogs during Red Sox games. Hopefully our Marine Law department can come up with something else.”
Police went to the home of Lt Brewster where they confiscated an undetermined amount of illegal fireworks. Police said that the fireworks would be used at their family’s cookouts later that evening.
Saragossa Cruise lines, owners of the sunken ship said that the firing upon the Spirit of Boston was “an act of War” that will not go unpunished. Diplomatic ties with the Second Naval Auxiliary have been cut by Saragossa and they have evacuated all personnel from all ticket booths along the harbor as the threat of all out war looms.