32-Million-Dollar Study Reveals Walking Backwards Is Dangerous

Assholes running backwards

Participants run backwards in a race where nobody won but everybody looked like an asshole.

The results of a three-year study by researchers at the Dallas Biomechanics Institute concluded that walking backwards can be dangerous. Scientists were surprised to find that people who walk backwards arrive at their destinations later than people who walk forwards…if they arrive at all.

“We are shocked, to say the least,” said Dr. Max Schnitzel, DDS, head of the Institute’s Alternative Pedestrian Biomechanics Research Division.

The surprising results, released in the latest Journal of Medicine, indicate that, “incontrovertible data suggests that the accident rates increase—not decrease—when pedestrians walk backwards. Armed with the data that we have collected, we can make the necessary changes to eliminate backwards-walking accidents.”

The 32-million-dollar, government-sponsored study tested over 3,000 people undertaking various forms of walking, and found that people who walk backwards are 12 times more likely to have an accident. The study also indicated that they look silly doing it.

In 2009, the Institute held a road race wherein all 200 participants walked backwards. Thirty-six runners went off the course, 12 fell into open manhole covers, 52 collided with other runners, 22 fell over themselves, and all of them looked like assholes. In the end, nobody finished the race because the finish line was put in front of the start line.

The study was funded by the Department of Transportation. Participants walked forwards, backwards, on their hands, on thin ice, on stilts, on tight ropes, and on water. They also walked the line, walked on fire, walked on the wild side, walked thin lines and walked the dog.

“Walking forwards is the safest and fastest method of walking for humans, and we will stand by this statement,” said Dr. Schnitzel.

The study also shows that walking on thin ice claims more lives than any other form of walking.

About Bobby Bou

Editor of The Daily Cricket


4 thoughts on “32-Million-Dollar Study Reveals Walking Backwards Is Dangerous

  1. i could have told you this if you gave me $10 10 years ago

    Posted by Anonymous | October 25, 2011, 5:46 pm
  2. Naturally the government doesn’t use common sense. Anybody south of I-10 could have told you that. AND SAVED AT THAT MONEY.

    Posted by Joseph Meaux | October 25, 2011, 7:33 pm
  3. this is just too funny. I love it!!

    Posted by Jerry Augustin | January 31, 2013, 6:22 pm
  4. It doesn’t say it causes more injuries. Because it doesn’t. It doesn’t say it’s an inferior exercise. Because it isn’t. There are safer places to do it. But that doesn’t mean that it is inherently dangerous. The study certainly was not worth the money.

    Posted by Anonymous | March 7, 2013, 2:16 pm

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