Moments after his arrest today in New York City, International Monetary Fund head Dominique Strauss-Kahn hired renowned super-sleuth Chief Inspector Clouseau of the French police to lead the investigation into alleged wrong-doings by Strauss-Kahn.
Strauss-Kahn was apprehended at JFK Airport as he boarded a plane for France, and was brought-in for questioning after he allegedly assaulted an employee at his New York hotel.
Long time No-Tell Hotel’s employee, Candy Ta-Tas, reported that she went to Strauss-Kahn’s room to administer a Swedish massage. It was at that time Strauss-Kahn assaulted her.
Said New York Police Detective Rob Steiner, “The alleged victim told us that when Strauss-Kahn came out of the bedroom he was wearing only a Speedo.”
“OMG. I was so shocked,” said Miss Ta-Tas. “It was the most horrible thing I’ve ever seen. A 60-year-old, pasty-white, overweight Frenchman wearing nothing but a teal Speedo. I threw up in my mouth. He asked me if I’d ever had a ‘real French baguette’ at which point he pulled down the Speedo and showed me his privates. Honey, that was no French baguette. It was more like half a bread stick and a couple of croutons! I laughed and he assaulted me. I ran and got the police.”
New York police charged Strauss-Kahn with a number of crimes, including Wearing a Speedo While Obese, Not Paying For Hotel Room (a larceny), Having a Strippers’ Name (Dominique) and Being Arrogant While French.
Chief Inspector Clouseau insisted that his client is innocent.
“Mr. Strauss-Kahn was only exchanging Euros with that trollop. He was investigating how American economic principles work in real life. That’s his job. Candy Ta-Ta’s testimony is suspect at best, but this is all irrelevant, because we can prove without a doubt that it was not Mr. Strauss-Kahn who assaulted the confused woman with the baguette, but rather the real perpetrator—none other than American actor Brian Cox! Ha! The case is solved! ”
When Inspector Clouseau was told that the actor was over 2,000 miles away at the time of the incident, he replied, “Yes, of course he was. Certainly he must be using time travel to get back to California so quickly. This, too, I will prove.”
Strauss-Kahn is not only the head of the IMF, but also the French Socialist party. The allegations, if true, could derail his chance to become the next French president.
When asked why he was leaving the country before his scheduled meetings this week, Strauss-Kahn said that he was confused and thought he was boarding a subway car, stating simply, “I’m not from around here.”