Health insurance giant Blue Cross Blue Shield of Massachusetts announced today that, due to increased revenues and unprecedented profits, they are rolling-out a new cost-cutting plan.
BCBS spokesperson Sherine Winter explained, “Somebody has to foot the bill for rising healthcare costs, and it isn’t going to be us. We have no choice but to implement a two-pronged plan—firstly, to raise rates and, secondly, to reinstate some abandoned medical practices that have been unfairly pushed aside. We are calling this program the Special Healing by Innovative Thinking (SHIT) Plan.”
In a press statement, Winter outlines the key elements of the SHIT Plan.
“Our biggest expenses are doctors’ fees and prescription medications. So we are going to significantly reduce these costly line items. A hundred years ago, the average American spent 12 dollars a year on medical costs. That’s our goal…to get the cost down to 12 dollars.
“Unlicensed doctors are 90 percent more cost-effective than licensed doctors. So we will now use only unlicensed doctors. We’ve already signed-on scores of shaman priests, witch doctors and soothsayers, from all over the world. Patients will have to check to see if their witch doctor is on the list of approved providers.
“Internet doctors like WebMD allow patients to diagnose their own problems. We will actually pay Blue Cross Blue Shield subscribers ten dollars for every self-diagnosis. How incredible is that? The sicker people become, the more money they will make. We see this as a win-win.
“Finally, we are going to re-institute a program of traveling salesmen. People will enjoy the convenience of purchasing their salves, liniments, poultices, compresses and elixirs right at their front door. Horse-drawn carriages and old ice cream trucks will drive through neighborhoods. No prescriptions. We’ll bring back opiate and cocoa-based medicines.”
Out-of-the-box thinking will help patients like Mike Green of Foxboro. Green is one of the first BCBS subscribers to benefit from the new SHIT Plan.
Primate Care Physician Dr. Gil Ferhen, Green’s PCP, said, “Mike has not given me permission to discuss his case but I can tell you this. He’s been diagnosed with multiple acronyms like ADHD, OCD, PTSD, OSA, GERD, IBS and a torn ACL. He’s looking at several surgeries, years of physical therapy and countless expensive prescriptions. But under the SHIT Plan, we are sending him to China, where the English alphabet doesn’t exist. In China, all of Mike’s problems will disappear. Can you have IBS if those letters don’t exist? I’m sure you can’t.”
The SHIT Plan will not cover expensive prescriptions, but will cover an extensive list of known and effective cure-alls, as follows:
Autumn Leaf Extract for Females
Moxie Nerve Food
Ayer’s Cathartic Pills
Old Sachem Bitters
Oxien Health Tablets
Dr. Brown’s Male Fern Vermifuge
Paine’s Celery Compound
Dr. Brown’s Renovating Pills
Celery-Cola Pink Pills for Pale People
Prickly Ash Bitters
Rich’s Tasteless Chill Tonic & King of Malaria
Roger’s Liverwort Tar
Shaker Extract of Roots
Gilbert & Parsons Hygienic Whiskey
Smith’s Asthma Cure
Healey’s Liver Pad
Hostetter’s Celebrated Stomach Bitters
Kickapoo Indian Oil
Kidder’s Cordial Vegetineks
Mexican Mustang Liniment
Simmon’s Liver Regulator
Dr. Townsend’s Cholera Balm
Turlington’s Balsam of Life
Warm Springs Consumption Cure
Warner’s Safe Kidney and Liver Cure
Webber’s Magic Compound