The search is finally over! Asscrack Insurance announced today that it has chosen a new spokesperson, after months of auditioning candidates. Thousands applied for the role, but only one could win, and that person is underwear model, Paul Rizzo, 28, of Readville, NJ.Asscrack fired its former spokesperson, comedian Gilfred Godfrey, after he made “inappropriate” remarks about the Japanese and Pearl Harbor while speaking on the company’s behalf at a Soy Sauce Manufacturer’s convention. Godfrey, who had been the “voice” of Asscrack for two years, found himself in hot water when he claimed that, “the real reason that those rice-gobbling, slanty-eyed, fish-heads attacked Pearl Harbor was because of penis envy.”
Complaints were filed by many convention-goers and, when questioned, Godfrey replied, “I didn’t mean the Japs. I meant the other rice-gobbling, slanty-eyed, fish-heads. You know…the Chinks!”
Godfrey’s contract was terminated and Asscrack was left with a mute duck as its mascot.
Twelve-thousand people, over 600 ducks, and one Gilfred Godfrey auditioned for the position. A panel of five judges was tasked with finding the best ass-crack in America.
“It wasn’t easy. There’s a lot of ass-crack in the States, much of it exceptional. We had mechanics, carpenters, sewer workers, chefs…but in the end—no pun intended—we chose Rizzo because he has depth of character. He has the perfect cottage-cheese texture to this cheeks and lovely varicose-veining. Very photogenic,” said spokesperson Paul James Freit. “What did it for me, though, was the worn-out, dirty underwear band. A classic look. The label was barely readable and the elastic waste-band had started to break apart. He is an artist when it comes to ass-crack. He’s detail oriented. He even had that little bit of sweat running down between the cheeks. Truly, a masterpiece.”
Rizzo, who will be the Asscrack spokeperson for two years, at $300,000 dollars a year, commented, “I don’t want to sound cliché, but I am a plumber by trade. People are always mentioning my ass-crack when I work, or I’m at a picnic, or at the beach. I remember one day, I was at this woman’s house fixing her sink and when she saw my crack…Hell! She just threw up all over the place! That’s when I knew I had a gift; that God had given me something special. And now, thanks to Him, I can share it with the world.”