As thousands of people watched in horror, the nation’s Capitol Building broke free of its foundation and flew away today. The government shut down and the National Terrorist Advisory System issued an Elevated Threat Alert.
Minnesota resident Sue Wheeler, a first-time visitor to DC, was among the astonished eyewitnesses who witnessed the lift-off.
” Folks were screaming and crying when it began to go up. We were really scared,” Wheeler told us. “Then somebody in the crowd shouted out that all of Congress was still inside and then a great cheer went up. People clapped and hugged each other. Can you imagine all of Congress leaving the country at once? This is the happiest day of my life and this is the best vacation ever.”
Authorities are puzzled as to what exactly happened, but the Capitol Building has long been rumored to have been built on top of a flying saucer that crashed in 1793. Historical accounts tell of a a “large craft from the sky crashing” in the Washington, DC area sometime in June of that year. According to archival records, then-President George Washington and military leaders decided it was best to leave the flying saucer buried and use it as the foundation for a new federal building where Senators and Representatives could hold Congress.
Roy Messanger of the watchdog group, UFO Research Institute, says that the recent lift-off was no surprise to him. “Hell, everybody knew that building was built on the crashsite. We have photographs of the crash site and a photo of George Washington standing with his arm around one of the aliens.This whole thing has been covered up by the government. I’m dying to see the spin they put on this story to explain it. Psychotropic drugs in the water supply?”
National Parks Department Chief Mike Woodlawn made a plea for the public’s help. “If anybody sees the Capitol Building, please call Homeland Security and let us know where it is. We would really like to get it back. My work jacket was in the lobby when it flew off and if I don’t get that jacket back,they’re going to make me pay for it.”
President Obama invoked his legal rights under the 12th Amendment which states that “in the event that Congress is dissolved, the acting President may invoke a monarchy rule and appoint himself King.”