For 10 years Osama Bin Laden eluded capture. The head of the al-Qaeda network was dogged by drone planes, satellites, phone intercepts and high-tech surveillance, but in the end it was a simple thing called “love” that betrayed him.
Lt. Major Jack Scour at the Pentagon’s Counter Terrorism Unit said, “We had reliable intel that Osama had some pretty kinky sexual fetishes and we hoped that it might be his undoing. We understood that he had an appetite for young transsexuals, particularly ones of Asian descent. We monitored various Internet sites and then we got a break.”
Eight months ago, Osama placed an ad on a singles website, popular among terrorists, called Jihad-do-you-do.com. He was looking for a new relationship with a transvestite after strangling his last live-in lover, a 300-pound Pakistani cross-dresser. He soon struck up a friendship with a Thai lady-boy named Laya DuPris who lived in Bangkok. Their friendship turned into love and Osama wired him/her the money so that he/she could travel to Pakistan and get married.
Officials developed a plan to switch places with Layla, whom Osama had never met. DuPris arrived in Pakistan on Thursday morning and was replaced by a member of the Navy’s Counter Terrorism Kill Force.
“Osama’s driver picked our guy up at the airport and we tracked the vehicle to Abbottabad,” said a Navy official who wished to remain anonymous. “The driver tried to kiss the decoy repeatedly. He groped and fondled him during the entire ride. We were getting nervous because the decoy didn’t know how to reapply his makeup. When the car arrived at Osama’s compound, our decoy was made to wait some hours before he was greeted. We were sure we had been found out.”
What happened next comes from a statement from the undercover team member.
“When I entered Osama’s bedroom, he was on his bed wearing a lady’s bra, panties, fishnet stockings and high-heeled shoes. He was shooting heroin between his toes. I noticed that he needed a pedicure really badly. Lying next to him on the bed was a goat in a negligee, lying back on pillows and smoking a cigarette. The room was a filthy. There were empty booze bottles all over the place. Fleas were biting my legs. Osama called me over and smiled at me. His teeth were rotten, his lipstick smudged, he was completely stoned. I told him to close his eyes and open his mouth…that I had a big present for him. I stuck my Glock in his mouth and shot him. The goat walked over, looked at the body and said, ‘Ba-a-a-a-a-ad. Osama-a-a ba-a-a-a-ad ma-a-an.’ That was one smart goat.”