A Royal Wedding Bigger Than the Brits’

The bride was no virgin to cake-eating.

Vowing never to be outdone by the British, an Alabama couple went over-the-top for their own wedding.

Clyde Royal, 59, of Derby, AL and Donna “Pebbles” Zonfrelli of Lakeview, AL said that they were fed-up with all the attention that the British couple was receiving.

“The world should be lookin’ at us, lookin’ at  America. An American wedding…that’s what should be gittin’ all the attention,” said the new bride. “Clyde and I decided a couple months ago to get married on the same day as the ‘other’ Royal couple. I could pick my teeth with that skinny little bitch princess. Clyde and I, we been together for eight years. It’s about time.”

Both the wedding service and reception were held at the Sacred Possum Guild, Den #32, in Scrutton. An outdoor ceremony was planned, but black flies forced the party indoors.

The bride, who starved herself down to a sexy 340 pounds, wore the same gown that she wore for her first two marriages, as evidenced by the stains on it. The groom wore his court suit—a striking velvet jacket and matching slacks, trophies obtained in his youth while employed at the Majestic Theatre.

The maid-of-honor was Donna’s 19-year-old daughter, who was released for the afternoon to attend the event. Donna’s other six children played various roles in the ceremony.

Following the service, the couple was assisted into the back of a pickup truck where they sat on an old couch and were driven through the main streets of downtown Scrutton. An unexpected thunder shower did not dampen their spirits as they rode through town, but they did make Donna’s dress horrifically transparent.

The ensuing festivities began with the tapping of the first keg of warm beer and the ceremonial slaughter of a lethargic possum. The bride and groom drank the fresh blood, as a sign of fertility, as Donna’s seven children looked on.

The Royal dinner included roasted possum, crawdads, hot dogs, various casseroles and mock apple pie. Entertainment was provided by the groom’s brother and his Leif Garrett cover band. Fireworks were held indoors, due to a passing rain shower and clouded judgment. Damages are estimated to be $35,000.

“We done showed them English. Some folks may forget that them Redcoats was the ones that started the whole dang Civil War, but down here in the South, we don’t ferget nuthin’. We ain’t forgettin’ nor forgivin’,” said the bride.


About Bobby Bou

Editor of The Daily Cricket


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