The State of Florida passed legislation today banning the plastic figurines that adorn wedding cakes, also known as “wedding cake toppers.” State officials passed the bill after a woman was hospitalized following a wedding day accident that left her blind.
On April 14th, Citronella (Squibbs) Moth, 20, of Mudflats, FL suffered permanent eye damage when her new husband shoved a piece wedding cake in her face during the cake-cutting ceremony. The groom had forgotten to remove the cakes “toppers” before he squashed the pastry into her face. The plastic figures were pushed right into her eye sockets, as family and friends cheered them on.
When police arrived at the wedding reception, held at the Royal Order of Raccoons Den #236, the victim was wandering the grounds alone, screaming.
“Nobody helped her cuz we just figured she was shit-faced again,” said a friend.
The groom, Paul Moth, 42, of Spittle Falls, told police he wasn’t to blame.
“It’s her dang fault. She done it to me first. I didn’t ask her to squash no cake in my face. She’s just making a big deal out of this. All she wants is attention. She shoulda taken off those dang stupid things. I didn’t want no big wedding anyhows. Then she tries to ruin it by gittin her eyes plucked out? She’s just a selfish bitch. I just stuck a couple of cherry tomatoes in the eye sockets and told her to have a good time and pretend it never happened.”
Moth, an unemployed worm farmer, then asked, “Who’s going to pay all our bills? I ain’t working. She’s gonna lose her job at the Piggly Wiggly if she can’t see. Doggone-it. I’ll tell you something. I didn’t sign up for having no cripple for a wife. I been married five times before, but this one’s the stupidest by far to go. She and that brat of hers can go live in Pompidou with her mama. I ain’t taking care of him neither. I’m gitten a divorce. That’s it. They can all go to Hell as far as I’m concerned!”
The new bride was transported to Tampa Medical Center. After hospital staff learned that she did not have health insurance, she was taken to TMC’s satellite Public Health Center, which also doubles as a veterinary clinic. There, she was given a pair of horse blinders and was brought up-to-date on her rabies, distemper and feline Leukemia shots.