What should have been a day of joy for a young New Hampshire girl turned into a day of emotional trauma for 13-year-old Tina Kovitch. After weeks of planning the spoiled teen’s “perfect birthday party,” it all ended in ruins because of her inconsiderate father.
“This was the first party that Tina was allowed to pick the guest list and choose the theme of the party, which was Miley Cyrus, whoever he is,” said Sheila Kovitch, Tina’s mother. “She was so looking forward to this party. She invited all the ‘in’ crowd and, more importantly, chose the people she didn‘t want to come. We put her no-good father in charge of obtaining the clown and the pony, two things Tina insisted on having.”
On that fateful Sunday afternoon, the weather was perfect and everything was going well until Tina’s dad arrived with the entertainment.
“My husband showed up three hours late with a goat on a rope and a drunk clown. I’m no biologist, but a goat is not a pony,” said an irate Mrs. Kovitch.
The goat, a Nubian mix named Millie, quickly made an impression on the children by eating the hems off of girls’ dresses and head-butting a nine-year-old, buck-toothed boy knocking out his Chiclets.
“There was blood everywhere, that poor boy,” said Mrs. Kovitch. “That goat smelled foul and it attacked a child. Who the Hell was going to ride that? I told my husband to get rid of it, so the idiot tied him up next to the beer cooler.”
The frisky goat quickly ate the lid off of the cooler and drank all the beer, including the cans. She then chewed through her rope and wandered into the house. “She ate the birthday cake and candles, and all the cards and gifts. She ate my curtains and a love seat. That God-damned goat ruined the whole party,” stated Mrs. Kovitch.
Hoping to save the party from complete disaster, Druggo the Clown—who spent most of the afternoon drinking beer and befriending the goat—sprinted into action with his XXX act. After creating phallic shapes with balloons and making lewd advances towards the birthday girl, he showed the kids how to make a crack pipe out of a Pepsi can. Sensing that he was losing the crowd, Druggo pulled out his show-stopper. With all eyes upon him, and after a dramatic pause, Druggo wet his pants.
“How could you do this to me? You’re a such a jerk. I hate you! I hate you!” Tina screamed at her father. She subsequently stormed away from her party and ran up to her room, locking the door and refusing to come out.
Police were summoned and arrested Stephen Zonfrelli, a.k.a. Druggo the Clown, 48, of Peterboro, NH and charged him with violating a court order, possession of a Class B substance, resisting arrest and indecent exposure. Also arrested was Millie the goat, age 9, of Hillsboro, NH, who was charged with public drunkenness, destruction of property and assaulting a minor.
According to psychologist Dr. Franz Schlegel, this kind of trauma causes irreversible, life-lasting damage to a young girl. “A young woman who suffers such betrayal, such humiliation, in front of her peers, will probably never get over it. She is likely to turn to drugs or alcohol and, at best, become a prostitute. At worst, she could become a credit card debt collector or—God forbid—an IRS agent.”
“I can’t win,” stated Paul Kovitch, in his own defense. “I lost most of the entertainment money at a poker game the night before. I did the best I could, but was it was good enough for those two bitches? Of course not. Now I have to come up with the bail for both Druggo and Millie? This party is costing me a fuckin’ fortune. Fuckin’ birthday from Hell, that’s what it was. The birthday from fuckin’ Hell.”