Eye Candy Party Elects Palin-Bou To Run In 2012
The Eye Candy Party of America held its National Convention last week and delegates unanimously voted to put Sarah Palin and Bobby Bou on the Eye Candy ticket for the 2012 presidential race.
An estimated 20,000 attractive party members rallied in Dallas for four days and, according to E.C. Party spokesman, Mark Forrest, the decision was difficult. “Charlie Sheen threw his hat in the ring last summer and has been actively working on promoting his bad-boy image in a bid to win a spot on the ticket. Mr. Sheen was indeed elected but Mrs. Palin was offended when Sheen dry-humped her at the podium.”
Bobby Bou took over the spot vacated by the ousted Sheen, who then proceeded to dry-hump Mr. Bou. “Mr. Sheen obviously wants to fuck everybody, so I believe that he really belongs in the Republican party,” said one Eye Candy party member.
The Eye Candy Party, with over two million members, was formed in 2006 during George Bush’s second term. “George Bush proved that you don’t need to be smart to be president, and that’s where we come in. We figured that the American people would rather have somebody attractive tell them bad news—tell them their taxes are going up—than have a homely person tell them. But make no mistake, we are more than just attractive. Not a whole lot more, but more nonetheless,” stated Mr. Bou.
In his acceptance speech, Mr. Bou laid out the beliefs of the Eye Candy Party:
“We believe that America should come first. We believe in independence from foreign oil—except olive oil and that expensive truffle oil from France. We believe that illegal immigrants should be deported, but not until they finish the retaining wall in my backyard. We believe that if a citizen is not happy here in the US, they can get the fuck out. We believe in equal rights, just not for everybody. We believe that women make the best lesbians. We believe that the Oscars award ceremony is fixed and that the SAG awards are a pathetic knock-off of the Oscars. We believe in paying Olympic hopefuls during their training. We believe that fat kids should walk to school. We believe that Muammar Gaddafi should remain in power because he’s a really, really funky dresser. We believe that we should stop “buying” our international friendships. We believe that churches, synagogues and mosques have been getting a free ride and should pay taxes. We believe in the Pledge of Allegiance in schools AND the workplace—you are either with us, or against us. We believe in public executions for rapists, drug dealers and pedophiles, unless it’s a case of a drug dealer raping a pedophile. We believe that veterans should be given the dignity and respect that they deserve and not be walking the streets homeless. And finally, we believe that America should and will COME FIRST! Unless Charlie Sheen is in the room. Then all bets are off.”
Palin gave an invigorating and inspiring, 30-minute nomination speech, only to realize that the microphone was off. Six party members who were within earshot said that her speech was “wonderful,” although they had no idea what she was talking about.
When questioned about the dry-humping incident, Mrs. Palin stated, “He (Sheen) was going at me like an elk scraping his antlers on a willow tree. Frankly, I’m surprised he’s gotten into so much trouble with that little ole thing. Weren’t no bigger than a pole bean.”