the norwood times satire


By an overwhelming majority, the residents of Norwood voted last night to change the town’s name from Norwood to “West Canton”. Town Mayor Tony Mazzorelli said that he would not challenge the decision.” People are tired of living in the shadow of Canton. We are hoping that if we change the name of our town we can lose the negative reputation that the town has endured. Since the mid-1800’s Norwood has been known as a dirty mill town. We are, and always have been, a town of drunks and skid row bums.” said Mayor Tony “Stink-finger” Mazzolrelli. “Everybody knows about the Norwood flats. We have tried to upgrade the town by investing in infrastructure. We built the new Meth clinic and replaced the toilets in the town hall,” said Mazzorelli. “The town common is full of vagrants and Mexicans. I’ve been told  that our town is known as the “Bunghole of Brockton”. People are tired of being laughed at. We’ve done everything we can do except change the town’s name.”

Residents hope that changing the town’s name will enable them to tap into the great reputation that Canton has worked so hard for. Canton’s low tax rates, low crime rates, and safe neighborhoods now await the good people of Norwood. “There was time when residents could only dream of clean drinking water, accredited teaching staff and a balanced budget.” said Norwood resident Pauline Avery, “ This could be the free ride we’ve all been waiting for.”

Unemployment Numbers Down in Norwood

Massachusetts Department of Unemployment released the quarterly unemployment rates for Norfolk County, which includes Norwood. According to the data, the unemployment rate for Norwood fell 6% to 25.7 % overall.

Town Worker Honored

Residents and town employees recently attended an honorary dinner for Town of Norwood worker James “Squiggy” Chavinski. James was an employee at the Sewer Department with the town for over 35 years but was recently forced to retire. Over 60 friends and family showed up for the event, which was held at the American Legion Post 213 last month. Town Commissioner Charlie Skinner praised James’ tireless work ethic and in a emotional speech, declared him the last of an unselfish generation. “In the 35 years that John worked for the town, he never took a day off or never called in sick.” said Skinner, “To find a man like him who sacrificed his time, his family and his health, only to make sure that the sewer lines of this good town remained unclogged and free-flowing so that the fine people of Norwood could poop without worry or fear. His dedication and loyalty should be a reminder to us all, that a person can dedicate himself to his job and in the end, receive so very little. That’s the stuff hero’s are made of.” When asked what he was going to do now that he was retired, Squiggy told us that he intends to spend his days working! “I’ve got a very good friend that might be able to get me work over at Porto-Let in Brockton. Hopefully I’ll be emptying and cleaning the returned units and then maintaining them. And of course I’ll be visiting his friends at the Sewer Department.”


A Norwood man walked into New Delhi Market last week and came out a rich man. Charles Rainer, 54, of 72 Neponsit Street bought a $20 Scuff-n-Lose lottery ticket and became the biggest winner in Norwood lottery history.Lottery officials wrote a payout check for a whopping $650.When asked what he was going to do with his windfall, Mr. Rainer said that he was “going to register my car, get myself  fitted for dentures and take myself out for a fine dinner.”


Did you know that in 1880 there were 27 beer breweries in the Township on Norwood? That meant that there was one brewery for every 40 townspeople.

Did you know that there are 27 Chinese restaurants, 17 pizza parlors and 74 liquor stores in Norwood?


234 Washington Street in the Norwood Flats

Stop by for our World Famous “Square Onion Rings”

Monday Night-Ladies Arm wrestling Contest

Tue-WED Enter the Krazy Karioke Korral with DJ Titus

Wed and Thursday- all you can eat pickled pigs feets for $4.99

Saturday night – Heavy Metal Madness featuring the rowdy romping rock of Earaches .Voted #1 bar in Norwood by the Lenox  Street Methadone Clinic. Get Krazy at the KrazyHorse


The Norwood Job Fair will be held on August 25 from 9am to 1 pm in the basement of Town hall. Representatives from the following companies will be on hand to answer questions and take applications.

McDonald’s Corp.

Alex’s of Stoughton

Norwood D.P.W. Sewer Dept

Port-o-Potty of New England

U.S. Army

Foxy Lady

Krazy Horse Saloon

New England Pulp Mills


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Sunday June 11

15:35. Police respond to fight at Hillside Park. Upon arrival, officers found 14 adults and a large croup of 8-10 year olds involved in the ruckus. Apparently a fight broke out during a pop Warner baseball game after a questionable call was made. Under Investigation.

Monday June 12

0820. Police are called to the Green Door Pub. Police found the body Joseph “Bumby” Santilli sitting at the bar. Bartender stated that might have died 2 or 3 days ago. He was a regular at the bar and would often fall asleep there so his prolonged stay went unnoticed.

08:32. Representative from Nextel called to report that 6 cell phone towers and 22 signal dishes were stolen over the weekend. The Moon Hill tower was over 300 feet tall. Police are investigating.

10:02. Business owner reports that Gypsies have placed a curse on him after he evicted them from his store. Storeowner insists that police force the gypsies to remove the curse. Units responded. Upon arrival, police found that the storeowner had been stripped naked and his store looted. Police are looking for a 1978 Chevy van, white, with a goat pen built on top, holding 3 goats.

14:20. Disturbance at Sleeping Pines Nursing Home Resident of facility reported that somebody had stolen his teeth while he slept. Upon arriving at the scene, officers found a fight in progress. Police arrested 89 year-old Paul Franklin and charged him with receiving stolen property (dentures). Also arrested was Mario” Ginzo” Anatellio and charged him with assault with a dangerous weapon (bedpan).

23:35. Police responded to a call that their son had been kidnapped and were sent to a Washington street residence. During a search of the home, officers found 16-year-old Jose Chevas encapsulated in a full body plaster cast. Police said that Mr. Chavas had been lured to the home of Bruce Zahkala, 54, of Dedham, under the guise of modeling opportunities. He said that Mr. Zahkala drugged him and that he had been imprisoned in the cast for over 6 months.  Police charged Zahkala with kidnapping, imprisonment, sexual assault, sodomy, and talking too deeply.

Tuesday June 13

06:50. Police called to assist Norwood Fire at the scene of an accident on Route 1A. Police arrested the driver of an MBTA bus that crashed into Maria’s Unisex Hair Salon and charged him with DUI and public endangerment. Commuters reported that the driver Dale Hardy, 42, had been drinking while on his route. Police retrieved a jug containing a commercial solvent beside the driver’s seat. It was Mr. Hardy’s 5th DUI charge and it was made worse by the fact that he is legally blind. Mr. Hardy made national news in 1992, when he working at the Black Falcon Pier in Boston and drove his shuttle bus off the pier damaging the hull of a visiting tall ship, causing it to sink. The 17th century French vessel,“ Elle Flotte” sank quickly after the collision. Following the incident Mayor Menino said that Mr. Hardy “ was a disgrace to saltwater and that he was in really, really big trouble. Really big.”

10:52. Vanguard Street resident reports that the Neighborhood Watch” signs have been stolen from the utility poles during the night.

18:01. Fox Run Gardens reports a toxic odor in the apartment complex. Norwood Fire Department HAZMAT Team responded. With police assistance the apartment complex was evacuated and 32 families displaced. Hazmat team traces fumes to 3rd floor apartment. Upon entry police find resident Jarhoop Japuoote cooking a wild boar in his living room. Resident claimed that he was celebrating Raksha Bandham, a religious Indian holiday. The fire was extinguished and building vented.

18:45 Deeprah Tsite, attorney for Jarhoop Japuoote, arrived at Police Headquaters demanding arrests be made in connection with the profiling and religious persecution case against his client. Visitor escorted from premises.

11:22. Norwood Police Chief reported that someone had stolen the television from the Norwood Police Station Lounge. The television, valued at $3,500 was removed the day shift.


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Wednesday June 14

02:05. Police called to domestic dispute. Police report that upon arrival, Mark Manamigay 35, of Norwood was standing on his front lawn wearing only high heals and bleeding from a wound to the chest. Mr. Manamigay told officers that his roommate, with whom he had romantic relationship, had come home drunk and accused him of cheating on him. A fight ensued and Mr. Manamigay fled out of the home for his own safety. Police entered the home and arrested Estaban Banitos, 23, of Fall River and charged him with assault and resisting arrest. Police also arrested Mr. Manamigay and charged him with having insufficient rod.

09:30 Police called to Norwood High School. Police arrested Norwood High teacher Paul Trabone, 42, of Attleboro and charged him with embezzling, malfeasance, misuse of school property, lewd and unsavory behavior, possession of class C substance and bestiality. Upon arrival, Principal Mark Hires led police to the teacher’s lounge to investigate. Upon entry into the teacher’s lounge, which had been completely remodeled to resemble Caligula’s Liar, officers found teachers in various degrees of dress and intoxication. Principal Hires claimed that teachers had been embezzling money from the special needs budget and purchased unnecessary materials. Police recovered a Frozen Kailua-chino machine, 15 marihuana plants, a 12-man hot tub, 2 fog machines, suntan beds, a Karaoke machine, Sushi counter (with Japanese Chef), 600 kilos Beluga Caviar, a 800 gallon lobster tank, 45 lobsters and S.C.U.B.A. equipment, assorted video equipment, a 82” HDTV, an Olympic size swimming pool, 1:1 scale trebuchet, 6 cell phone towers, 1 Scottish Black-faced sheep, Viking Convection Oven and a confused Nick Nolte.

06:00 Police respond to large crown of protesters in front of police station. Police reserves brought in and SWAT team from Boston Police called in. After being asked to disperse, rocks and bottles were thrown at police, a Channel 5 van was flipped over and set on fire. Police arrested Rev Jesse Jackson, 63, of Mudpup, Miss. and charged him with being a racist instigator. Mr. Jackson claimed that he was fighting for the right of all non-whites, even for the right of his client Jamoote Jarpoop (sic).

05:50. Police called to Unitarian Separatist Church of Life on Prospect Street. Upon arrival, Pastor Robert T.J. Goodwin told officers that during the night somebody had stolen the steeple off his church. The copper clad steeple was 52 feet tall and value at over $26,000. Report filed.

06:12. Caller reports debris in road. Police were called to the Dean Street and Rt. 1 intersection. DPW called to help remove tall, pointy, wooden structure over 50 feet in length. Police are investigating.

08:50. Accident at corner of Washington and Lenox Street. Delivery truck stuck under bridge. Police arrested Papito Hecktor Jesus de Central Falls and charged him with being unlicensed and driving an uninsured, unregistered vehicle and Driving While Mexican.

08:55 Neponsit Street resident called to say that a UFO had abducted her during the night and that the abductors had performed medical exams on her cat during the abduction. The cat refused to corroborate her story. Both victims were transported to Norwood Caritas Hospital.

10:29 Norwood man called to report a robbery at his home. Michael O’Connor, 62, of Azalea way told police that he had been drinking heavily last Saturday night and when he woke in the morning, all his booze was gone. Police unit dispatched.

11:39 Police responded to the Portuguese American Club for noise complaint.


The Red Cross and Visiting Nurses Association are joining forces in an effort to inform residents about the hazards of tapeworm contraction. Young people are more likely to come in contact with tapeworms, unaware of their dangers. “Children find tapeworms and use them for jump ropes, dog leashes, or hair ribbons.” said Town Health Administrator Nancy Shoback. If you see a tapeworm, call Norwood police and they will come out and Taze it.

Sting Results in Bust

A 12-month investigation by Norwood Police and DEA agents led to the arrest of Nicholas Castro, 42, of Santa Barbara, California. He was charged with possession of Class B substance (marijuana), possession of a Class C substance (Viagra). Bank of America employees first alerted police after Mr. Castro went into the bank and offered to sell them drugs in September.


The Norwood Parks and Recreation Dept. announced details on the 23rd Kibbie Fishing Tournament. It will be held at Willet Pond in Norwood. The tourney will be held on Sat August 12th at 8:00 A.M. Participants should sign up at town hall or the recreation Building. Entree fee is $3. Winner of the Tourney will ride in the Boch-Mobile during the Pop Warner Parade!


The Sunrise Drug Rehabilitation Center will be hosting a meet-and-greet on July 3rd at 9:00 A.M.. Norwood residents are encourage to come on by and take a tour of the Methadone clinic and meet some of the addicts. At 10:00 A.M. here will be a showing of the Russian film “Электрошокового лечения для наркоманов и других изменников к Сталину.” ( Electro-shock Treatments For Addicts and Other Traitors To Stalin) with subtitles. Light refreshments will be reserved. This is a weapons-free event! Call 781-369-7200 for more details.


This years “Christmas in July “ event will be held on July 16th from 8 P.M. to 11:00 P.M.. All Norwood residents who never take their Christmas lights down are asked to “LIGHT ‘EM UP”. Last year we had over 2,600 residents participate and this year is slated to be even bigger and better. Yeh! Gutter icicles!


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Norwood Rascals End Game In Draw

Last Saturday’s game against the Stoughton Slugs ended in a draw after Norwood Police broke up the game. Late in the 3rd inning a wild pitch by Rascals pitcher Frankie O’Sullivan knocked a beer out of the hand of Slugs coach Jose Caliente. Mr. caliente, 42, charged the mount and knocked the 9 year-old pitcher to the ground. A fight ensued but was quickly broken up. Later in the 5th inning an argument broke out after two parents from the visiting team accused a Norwood Rascal of being over the age limit at which point the accused player, 38 year old Santo Domingo Sanchez pulled a switchblade knife and chased after his accusers. A scuffle broke out amongst the parents of the players in which coolers, beer cans, base plates,  and bats were thrown at each other. Seven people were hurt.


Norwood Knickerbockers Have Great Balls

Massachusetts Bowling Association held their state championship games at the Norwood Bowl-Away Last Sunday. Sixteen teams competed in the games. The Norwood Knickerbockers took first place with a score of 235 points. The award ceremonies were marred by one event. The First Place trophy, nearly 3 feet tall was dropped on the foot of Marty “ Striker” Pinto aged 75. He later had the foot amputated.


The Norwood High Virtual Sports Club  ended their one game winning streak this past Thursday morning. Eight Norwood gamers battled the Dedham Demonheads for nearly 26 hours straight but in the end, a bad call by Norwood Warcrafters team Captian Eddie Spenter cost the team a win. “We had 5 of our players across the moat to Sawnereers Castle, the door key in hand. We all had Triple Cloak, Sabura Daggers and full levels of Health. I had Tim stay back and lay M-12 mines in the road. He got caught in a volley of crossfire and got pinned down. I forgot he had the key. We fought our way back to him but we weren’t ready for battle. We’d dropped most of our weapons when left the 12th level of Devon Woods. Brutal,man. Brutal.”


About Bobby Bou

Editor of The Daily Cricket


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