JAPAN CELEBRATES RETURN OF HERO
The country of Japan had something to celebrate today when hero Takeru Kobayashi returned to the table in his first competition in over a year. He has won dozens of I.F.O.C.E. (International Federation of Competitive Eaters) matches over the last 15 years.
In 1992 he entered his first competition, the Coney Island Hotdog Eating Contest and consumed 97 hotdogs in 3 minutes which was 54 dogs more that the second place finisher. The next day he won the Holterzien Spam Eating Competition by consuming 17 pounds of spam, cans and all, in ten minutes. During the next 15 years he won countless eating competitions including the Land O’ Lakes Butter Bowl, the Big Shrimp Chowdown and he won the coveted Pickled Kids Feet Competition for the last 4 years.
In 2009 tragedy struck. Kobayachi entered the famous Buffalo Wing Eating Competition in Buffalo, N.Y. Also at the competition were Takeru’s 3 biggest rivals, Robert “Clamface” Smith, Jerry “Juggs” Silvester, and Clive “The Gullet” Kovineski . Each one had all won numerous competitions against Kobayashi but never before had they all appeared at the same table. It was slated to be the biggest sporting event in history. Kobayashi was under a lot of pressure and when the competition started he ate wings at a rate that shocked onlookers.
Within the first 2 minutes, he had consumed 14 pounds of wings. It was during his 3rd tray of wings that Kobayashi unknowingly began eating his own fingers. Before the competition could be halted, he had eaten all his fingers and both hands off. He was eventually flown to Switzerland, where doctors from the Victorinox Company, makers of the Swiss Army knife, performed experimental surgery and attached two large titanium forks where his hands had been.
Months of physical training followed and he returned to the competitive eating arena just 3 days ago.
“I am happy to be back,” he told us. “It has not been easy with my new hands. Rehabilitation was difficult. Three months ago there was a masturbation incident that landed me in the emergency room and then two weeks later, I was swatting at a bumblebee and I cut my ear off. Aside from that, everything went O.K. Everything is good now! Kobayashi is back!”
Kobayashi won the Prince Spaghetti Manga-Manga Bowl by dispatching 210 pounds of pasta in 12 minutes, a new record. Kobayashi is not only back, but he’s back to win.