The sluggish economy dealt another blow today when Kringle Enterprises announced that they had fired their celebrity CEO Kris “Santa” Kringle. For decades, the company had been a leader in the toy industry but has been in the red for the last 12 years and has suffered crippling setbacks recently.
Citing a lagging economy and fierce competition from overseas toy companies, a Kringle spokesperson said, “Although we regret the decision to release Mr. Kringle from his contract, our primary allegiance is to our shareholders.”
Despite the news, KRIS -Kringle Enterprises (NASDAQ) shares closed the day up nearly 3% at $76.20. Market rumors have been circulating about Santa’s dismissal since the release of Q4 reports which showed a loss of 2.3 millions dollars. Kringle stocks have had a rocky performance since Kris Kringle, Sr. started the company in 1856. Kringle stock plummeted shortly after Congress passed a law stipulating that the greeting “Merry Christmas” could not be used in public schools or buildings.
“1988 was a very bad year ,” said Kringle Vice President Brad Thomas. “We had just started to recover from the introduction of Quanza and then the Yuletide ruling was upheld by the Supreme Court. It royally screwed us.The cheap labor in Vietnam and China has also forced us to cut our prices but our costs continue to rise. And then there’s those hamstringing Jews. We get no help from them unless it’s in the form of a high interest loan.”
Kringle Enterprises troubles began 60 years ago when cheap plastic toys were imported into the US from Japan.
“Parents could get a lot more for their dollar with these cheap imports”, said toy industry consultant Roy Tabberton. “These imports didn’t have any quality to them. Many of them were painted with lead paint and without fail, every year hundreds of kids choked to death or got dismembered because of poor toy construction. It’s a small price to pay though.”
In 1982, elf workers voted to unionize and Kringle Enterprise stocks slumped to a 30 year low. In 1992 United Toy Makers Union went on strike just three weeks before the Christmas holiday season. Kringle execs were forced into agreeing to considerable union demands. Had they not agreed, it would have been the first time that Christmas had been cancelled in 47 years.The last time Christmas had been was called off was in 1945 when Santa’s sleigh was brought down by anti-aircraft fire over war-torn Berlin. Santa was critically injured and 4 reindeer were castrated by shrapnel.
From his private villa on the Caribbean island of St. John, Kris Kringle told us in an interview that he was being fired because of political reasons.
” Ever since UTMU ( United Toy Makers Union) came in, they have been bleeding the company to death. Before ’82 we were holding our own. Every year they would threaten to strike just before our busy season. They wanted espresso machines, a heated swimming pool and satellite television. Booze and drugs and hookers from Las Vegas flown in on the weekends. It was like the White House during the Kennedy years. Those elves were God-damned pigs. They took up smoking ,most of them 4 or 5 packs a day. The quality of the toys went down. Production went down. I suggested that we replace all the elves with underpaid Mexicans and for that suggestion, I was fired! ” ,said Santa. “In a way though, I’m happy to be out of there. That North Pole Facility is the worst fuckin’ place imaginable. The cold and the dark gets to you ,man. I have been on Wellbutrin for depression for the last 12 years. Eight years ago , my wife took off with took off with 2 of those sex-crazed elves. I’m tired of the shit, man. I’ll be happy if I never have to do another Christmas Eve run. Those filthy reindeer blowing farts in my face all night, freezing my God-damned balls off. I begged them to put a fuckin’ roof on that sleigh but instead they put in a GPS so they could track my delivery times. No more sneaking into the Mama’s room and peeking at her titties. Christmas is corporate now. Screw them all I say and be done with it! ”
Kringle Enterprises will now be outsourcing all of their jobs to a facility located in India.
“Kids today don’t want wooden trains and crap like that. They want the newest video games and iPods “, said new CEO Janipanda ‘Singa’ Japute. “With our new manufacturing facility in New Delhi, we will have access to cheap resources, international shipping lanes, and a work force that we can underpay.”
This year , Kringle Enterprises will launch a 35 Million dollar ad campaign promoting the new Singa Clause. He will no longer sport the red suit or drive a sleigh. The updated Singa Clause will be decked out in hip fashion, drive a BMW convertible and live like a high profile celebrity. He’s scheduled to release his first rock album in June and then he’ll be starring in a new action thriller with co-star Natalie Portman .