The world was shocked yesterday when French President Nickolas Sarkozy went on live television and announced that he was surrendering France to an unknown invading army. The announcement triggered many European countries to go on high military alert and NATO convened an emergency meeting in an attempt to control the situation. As word spread ,stock markets around the world closed and all international flights were canceled. Within hours of the announcement, French officials released the details leading up to the surrender.
8:17 A.M.- 172 Boy Scouts arrive at DeGaul International Airport. A near-sighted security guard mistakes the uniformed Boy Scouts as military personnel and places a frantic call to Security Command . He reports that the East wing of the airport may be under attack.Immediately following that call his phone dies. Security Command is unsuccessful in its attempts to contact the guard. Short staffed and under trained, guards manning Central Command ,fear a possible terrorist attack and quickly order lunch and discuss options over a plate of cheeses and fresh baguettes. The three security guards decide that it best not to get involved, due to the mountain of paperwork that would be generated. They pass the buck and call the local military base.
9:02 A.M. -Upon hearing the news of the “attack” at the airport,military police board their vehicles and quickly head South away from the airport and any possible danger.President Sarkozy is then incorrectly informed that the airport may have been seized by a small army of attackers and that the entire military base had been abandoned. Sarkozy convenes an emergency meeting with Army Generals but only 3 of the 32 Generals were in attendance.The rest are on vacation in the Morocco,eating grapes out of the belly buttons of overpriced Armenian prostitutes or strutting along the beaches of Ibis in camouflage pickle pouches.
9:33 A.M. – In the Province of Champagne , 56 members of the Eternal Order of Raccoons, dressed in full military regalia ,are spending the morning in a winery tasting room., By chance it is discovered that their mortal enemies, members of the Glorified Opossum Guild, are just down the road at a neighboring vineyard. Learning of this news and being fortified with bellies full of overpriced French wine,the External Order of Raccoons charges through the vineyard and lays upon the Opossums in the Chateau De Boucher’s tasting room.
9:52 A.M. -A melee breaks out at the vineyard and the owner calls police. He reports that his farm is under assault by foreign men in uniform. The call is taken by a very drunk Chief of Police who radios his men and orders them to form a line of defense at Messrs. Boucher’s outhouse. A police detachment, three officers in total, pile into their Peugeot and speed towards Messrs Boucher’s vineyard. Speeding around a corner and finding the road impassable with a goats, the driver crashes a telephone pole. The impact loosens a transformer mounted on the pole and it comes crashing down knocking out power to several villages and killing 6 goats.
10:06 A.M. – Telephone intercepts are picked up by monitoring satellites overhead. Sarkozy is handed a report containing sketchy details of the uniformed troops fighting in the wine region and that phone and power have been knocked out in the Champagne region. Military officials conclude that France is being attacked by multiple armies and they have taken over the airport and are now headed towards Paris in well executed textbook pincer maneuver
10:22 A.M.- . French military goes to its highest alert and Operation Pantalons des Le Singe is set into motion. Fighter jets are scrambled and sent South to the Champagne region. The jets encounter multiple enemy vehicles and destroy many of them. Reconnaissance photos later conclude that a tour bus, 2 Hover Round electric wheel chairs and a bicycle were completely destroyed.
10:31 A.M. – Sarkozy receives the report that fighter jets have engaged and fired upon multiple enemy vehicles and that the jets are now defecting to Italy. Sarkozy is gravely concerned by the turn of events.
10:37 A.M. -Below the streets of Paris, a sewer rat chews through a power line , setting off a series of transformer explosions and knocking out power in Paris and it’d surrounding cities. Multiple fires erupt causing panic in the city. Local television stations incorrectly report that terrorists have set off multiple bombs throughout Paris.
11:15 A.M.- President Sarkozy, fearing that if the fighting continues that he may be late for lunch ,hurriedly calls a press conference and announces that France is surrendering to the invading army.