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Become a Certified Beer Reviewer.

The National Association of Beer Reviewers in co-operation with Smithson College is now offering their Certified Beer Reviewer program online. After taking the online course and passing the Beer Certification Exam, participants will receive a certificate from The National Association of Beer Reviewers qualifying them as Certified Reviewer of Ale and Beer.The certificate will be mailed following receipt of payment. The cost of the course is free.

With special privilege, the Beer Reviewers Certification course and exam are offered though this website and follows below. Please follow the exam instructions carefully

BEER REVIEWERS CERTIFICATION PROGRAM

The National Beer Certification Program was started in 1998 at the University of Southern Dakotas. In co-operation with the California Beer Guild Masters program, the course was offered to students interested in pursuing a career as a professional beer reviewer. Because of it’s increased popularity,the program was moved to Smithson College located in Los Angeles where it is was more accessible . Since starting in 1998, over 12,000 students have been certified as Beer Reviewers. In 2002 , the course went online and is now offered worldwide in over 200 languages.

Introduction.

This course will teach you the writing techniques and skills that you need to become. a professional beer reviewer. All you need to possess is a love of beer . Just take this online course and pass the exam and you will become a Certified Beer Reviewer and will be sanctioned by the International Society of Beer Snobs. You will also be personally presented to the Strum-all Brothers and will be allowed to kiss their rings.Those people have become certified through our course are writing, reviewing and critiquing beer! Image the power you will hold when your reviews could make or break an upstart brewing company !

There are four main techniques that are used in reviewing beer:
1. Plagiarise
2. Jumble English
3. Piggy back adjectives
4. Invent new words

CHAPTER 1. HOW TO PLAGAIRISE REVIEWS.

You don’t need to actually drink a beer to review a beer. It is faster and cheaper to plagiarise other reviews than to spend the time and money buying beer, pouring, smelling, sipping and sniffing ect. Although we can’t copy another review word for word and claim it as your own , we can steal their ideas! There is a 4 step process involved in plagiarizing.

1. Extract core information from at least 3 reviews.
2. Condense this information,
3. Consolidate it.
4. Rewrite it.

Here are excerpts from 3 online reviews we found describing the body of a popular stout.
1. The stern and upright body weighs on my tongue like a cinder block.
2. A heavy body gives way to a subtle hop caboose.
3. Full figured,like Marilyn Monroe, this stout stands ready with hands on hips.

From these reviews we can conclude that this is not a light beer. Now we will condense the reviews into their core ideas.
1. The stout has flavor that is as strong as a bull.
2 The body is as tough as leather.
3. On the tongue,the body makes it presence known, like a Nazi Storm-trooper.

Now we consolidate these 3 core ideas and give it our own special “twist”. Now we’ve come up with an accurate description of the stouts body yet we never drank a drop. Our final description of this stouts body may be something like this.
“This stout has body like a stormtrooper’s jackboots. Keep it your mouth too long and you may get your teeth kicked out .”

Here’s another example of plagiarism. In describing the head of an award winning IPA we found these following descriptions.
1. The snow-white head rose to the occasion and it deposited a sexy Belgian lace to the very end.
2. Frothy and creamy, it soon settled in to become the frosting on a delicious cake of beer.
3. Huge hop aroma was expelled by the creamy smooth head,a delicious cream cap that stayed on all night.

Again we can extrapolate the core ideas from the 3 reviews and deduce that this IPA has a smooth and creamy white head to it .
1. It is lacy and sexy like white lingerie
2. It is sweet and smooth, like cake frosting
3. It is fragrant and long-lasting.

We can now write our review of the IPA’s head and we may write something like this.
“The head was amazing.It was like licking whip-cream panties off of an all-night escort girl.”

Plagiarizing is easy to learn, easy to use, and can save you BIG bucks!

CHAPTER 2. Using Jumble English

As a professional beer reviewer, one of the most important exercises we can do is called Jumble English. Mastering this exercise will take a lot of practice. At first it will feel awkward but it will become easier with time and before long you will be able to spout nonsensical beer reviews on demand. “Jumble English” exercises consist of introducing an adjective that is normally not associated with a particular noun or it introducing an adverb to a non-associated verb. Here are two examples of nouns and their jumbled adjectives.

The toad was “condescending”,”flirtatious”, “intelligent” , “religious”
The kite is “soft”, “generous”,”steaming” or “undeliverable”

Here are two verbs and their jumbled adverbs.

He pushed “thoroughly”,”perfectly”, “erratically”,”consistently”
She crocheted “loudly”,”dangerously”,”feverishly”,”strongly”

As you can see, these pairings would not be used in everyday conversation. They may seem silly and nonsensical. But that is the point. A good reviewer never describes the beer characteristics in a way that people can understand. By randomly pairing “dis-associatative” words we can confuse the reader or make the reader feel ignorant and so we elevate ourselves in the process. The following are some examples of Jumble English used in reviews that were posted on a popular beer review website.

“billowed hops soon became present”,
“soon the dusty ale begged me to drink it.”,
“The fine bubbles traversed through troubled color.”,
“The anemic head gave in to the trumpeting glass walls”,
“it was topped by a well-read head”,
“The hops escaped my notice in the beginning finish.”

Could you find the “Jumble English” pairings? Good for you!You are well on your way to becoming a certified beer reviewer.You can plainly see how these inordinary pairings can lend an air of intelligence to the writer and our readers soon believe that the reviewer must be well-educated, knowledgeable, and obviously an expert in the world of beer tasting.

CHAPTER 3 PIGGYBACK ADJECTIVES

One of the more advanced techniques to reviewing beer is when we double-up on adjectives. It is known as “piggybacking”. This aspect of beer reviewing is practiced by many but mastered by few. If you take the time to practice and have a lot patience you will be able to truly become a master of beer review.
Although this technique may seem basic at first, it involves such a cerebral mind twist that many novice writers find that they suffer headaches or nausea after their first attempts. This method challenges every notion you have about reviewing. We will start out here with one short example and discuss it. Read this excerpt and think about it for a moment before going on. This certified reviewer is describing the subtle aromas of a Belgian Lambic.

“The aroma had a hint of small forest fruits.”

Do you see how the noun “fruits” was not only predicated by the adjective forest but was ALSO predicated by the adjective small.? This is what we call piggy-backing.At first this description may seem straightforward but as we dissect it, you will see just how powerful this description is.When the writer used the adjective “forest” to describe fruits, he immediately took control of the reader by forcing the reader to subconsciously go though his mental fruit “dictionary” and imagine what “forest fruits” the reviewer might be talking about The reader is then left with an imaginary “selection” of what “forest fruits” may be. One would guess that blackberries,raspberries,thimble berries, or partridge berries are what the author had in mind. And he would be right.However,when the writer piggybacks and adds the word “small” to “forest fruits” it opens up a whole new interpretation of what a forest fruit is. The reader becomes confused when he realizes that ALL of his known “forest fruits” are small and now he must mentally go through and envision the size of each forest fruit and THEN he must compare these different sizes and deduce which of the forest fruits are the small forest fruits that the writer might be describing. As soon as the reader deduces which of the forest fruits are the smallest ones he then may ask himself “What are large forest fruits?” and not being able to think of any,he feels ignorant and stupid .Once again the readers attention is diverted from the actual review. To be able to take and twist a reader’s mind is a very,very powerful tool. Diversion,confusion, and abstraction are the most powerful tools in the professional reviewers arsenal. The best reviews are the ones that the reader does not understand or remember.

CHAPTER 4 INVENTING NEW WORDS

Invent new words? It is easier than you may imagine. Inventing new words is just a matter of joining bits and pieces of words to form a new one. Here are a five examples of “new” words

Vertisliced, demalting , geriess , servitinious , and ferhopulated.

These words have no meaning until we give it one!These types of words can easily be integrated into reviews. Once again the reader feels ignorant when he comes across a word he doesn’t recognize or understand and once again the writer is elevated in their mind. Be cautious however and use them sparingly. Too many new words in a review can lead the reader to believe that the writer may be crazy or that he is from Eastern Europe.

CHAPTER 5 GRADING THE BEER

How should you grade beers?Good beer reviewers use a system of one through one-hundred. One online site, trying to prove that they are different, developed a 1-5 rating system. These different rating systems are meant to confuse readers. An incredibly good beer may rate a 5 on one site but would appear to be a real loser on another site. Again,we keep the reader confused and only we know what is going on.If you choose to post beer reviews on these popular websites there are some things to keep in mind. It is EXTREMELY important that you post hundreds of reviews. This will take time but it is well worth it.The only way to differentiate yourself from casual beer reviewers is to flood the site with a multitude of reviews. It gives an air of experience.You will soon rise through the ranks as it becomes clear that you are a real beer connoisseur. By writing hundreds of reviews ,you will gain the respect you deserve.

CHAPTER 6 TIPPING THE SCALE

In order to appear legitimate, it is important that your reviews fall in line with the general condenses. How then do we stand out from the crowd.? We do this by Tipping the Scale.In order to differentiate your reviews for all the others we will adjust our scores up or down, depending on certain criteria. The criteria that affect your review are :

1-The name of the beer.
2-The name of the brewery.
3-The brew master.
4-How long the beer has been in production.
5-Country of origin.

Basically what happens is we take the score that a beer has previously received and adjust that score up or down.
Any brewery or beer that has a socially acceptable name AND has been in business less than 1 year gets a 5% “tip up’
Examples -Sea Dog, Lion’s Crest Ale, Three Lads Brewing
Any brewery or beer that has a socially acceptable name AND is in business for more than 1 year gets no “tip up”
Examples-Three Willows Brewing, Forge and Flame Brew House, Sleepy Creek Stout
Any brewery or beer that has a name that is NOT socially acceptable and is in business Less than 1 year gets no “tip-up”
Examples- Ass-Scratching Nuns Brewery, Dripping Condoms Amber Ale , Umbilical-cord Tug-of-War Brewery, Firefighters Fartface Brewing Co.
All Belgian beers get a 20% “tip-up”
All Czechoslovakian , Japanese, Caribbean ,Asian and New Jersey beers get a 75% “tip down”.
Any brewmaster that you do not like, for whatever reason real or imaginary, gets a 50% “tip down”
Any brewery or beer that has a name that is not socially unacceptable and is in business for more than 1 year gets a 10-20 %”tip-up”
Examples- AlterBoy Auditions Ale, Kitten-Mincers Brewery,Christ-punchers Beer house, Butthole Breweries,Horny Humping Hermaphrodite Hookers Brewpub

CHAPTER 7 REVERSE REVIEWS

The best way to show that you are an independent thinker and that you are not just following the pack is to post a “reverse review”. This is when you give a lower score for higher-graded beers or give a higher score for lower scoring beers. By bucking the trend,you show that you are an opinionated individual and you will also cast doubt on the legitimacy of ALL OTHER REVIEWS! . Readers will deduce that only your keen palate is picking up the barely perceptible nuances of those run-of-the-mill beers. As an example, you may mention in your review of a commercial beer Budweiser that :

” Although this lager tastes like fox urine, I am impressed by the fact that the brewers are able to consistently produce a beer that consistently tastes like fox urine year after year.”

Conversely, by doing a little trash talking on highly regarded and expensive beers, readers will see that you haven’t bought into the hype surrounding these “unbelievably outstanding” Belgian imports. Do not make the mistake however of completely disrespecting these Belgian beers or your cover will be blown. Disregard the fact that they are bitter,sour and dry .

NATIONAL BEER REVIEWER EXAM.

Following are 10 multiple choice questions. Please send your answers and payment to Beer Reviewers Certificate Program P.O. Box 341 Canton, Mass 02021. All participants who receive a 90% score or better will be sent the information on how to obtain their National Beer Reviewers Certificate.

#1.
At a party, you are asked for your interpretation of an expensive Heske Monk triple ale that you have never tasted. You should:
A Extol the unique qualities of this triples “subtle and nearly imperceptible yeast fingerprint”.
B. Say that you have never had it.
C. Shrug you shoulders and say “I’ve had better”.
D. Say that not only have you had it but you actually drank it at the brewery in Belgium and nothing imported to the states can compare.

2.
You walk into a pub and there are only 4 beer taps and they are Bass, Guinness, Bud, and Bud light. What do you order?
A. Guinness
B. Bass Ale.
C. You leave.
D. You quickly invent a beer blend . You order a Bud-B-Ass and then explain to the confused bartender that it is a 50-50 blend of Bud and Bass Ale.

3.
You are attending a beer festival and the line at the Trappist Beer table is 35 people deep. At the next table a local brewer has no customers in line. You should
A. Go to the table where there is no line.
B. Wait the 15 minutes in the Trappist Beer line.
C.Go to the table where there is no line and then pretend to suddenly see an old acquaintance and cut over into the Trappist line.
D.Wait in the Trappist line for 15 minutes and explain in a loud and obnoxious fashion how the aging barrels for this particular Trappist Ale are actually hand-hewn from old growth Belgian forest oaks and that only 4 people are authorized by the Trappist Monkdom ,to fell these trees and how the barrels are soaked for no less than 31 days in freezing water and then dried over fires that burn only the discarded brewery barrels,ensuring that the ales will only get better as the barrel resins increase with each generation.

4.
You are on your way to a brewery job interview and find yourself caught in heavy traffic. In your car is a very expensive bottle of Belgian Abbey triple Reserve 2001. You have to urinate badly but you cannot pull your car over .Your course of action is:
A. Empty the bottle of Belgian Abbey triple Reserve out the window and pee into the bottle.
B. Drink the Belgian Abbey triple Reserve ,pee in the bottle and risk getting beer breath before the interview.
C Call the interviewer and postpone the interview then pee your pants saving the triple for later.
D. Piss on the car floor,arrive for the interview and hand the interviewer the bottle of Triple, claiming it to be one of your home brews.

5.
You read that an upstart brewery has begun local distribution and has just released 4 of their 6 beers.The brewery is located thousands of miles away but you decide to write a review anyway.
A. You embrace the entrepreneurial spirit of the new brewery and in support, give their beers great reviews.
B. You see a photo of the brewer and decide that you don’t like him so you trash his beers in your review.
C. You find that the brewer is well-known and well-respected so you jump on the ass-kissing bandwagon and give his beers rave reviews.
D. Either B or C but definitely not A

6.
You are attending an over-priced beer dinner hosted by a well-known brewer. At the end of his presentation he politely asks if anyones has any questions.
A. You want him to notice you but are afraid to ask a question so you do nothing.
B. You want him to notice you, but wait for someone else to ask the first question.
C. You want him to notice you,so without shame you stand up and ask him why he bothers to brew small batches of poorly selling artisanal beers.
D. You want him to notice you,so you stand up first and ask him why he chose Fuggles hops instead of Kent Goldings as his bittering hops in his Irish Dry Ale.

7.
You have been without a job or a girlfriend for over 3 years. Your parents have been hounding you about your drinking problem and want to know when you intend to get a job work and move out of their house.
A. You tell them to “PISS OFF!” and slam your bedroom door.
B. You tell them that you are currently taking an online course and that they should leave you alone and then slam your bedroom door.
C. You should lie through your teeth and tell them that you are currently exploring a new and exciting job opportunity and in fact , you are very close to becoming certified in a very lucrative field and as far as girls go, all American girls have no class and have been brainwashed by Anhiser-Bush and none of them could tell a stinking’ Coors Lite from a Chimay Blue so “PISS OFF!” and slam your bedroom door.
D. Tell them that you don’t have a drinking problem rather that you are a beer connoisseur.

8.
You’ve been drinking steadily for 7 hours and are quite intoxicated when you decide to log on to a beer review site. Your thinking is muddled,y our ideas unclear, and you are in a bad mood, Do you
A. Log on and see if anyone has responded to your last inflammatory forum post.
B. Read some reviews of beers you’ve never heard of before.
C. Write some scathing reviews of some Albanian beers you’ve never had.
D. Send some beer-mail messages to female posters,hoping to get laid.

9.In an attempt to impress,you are writing a review of a highly respected American hefeweizen. In this particular case you had actually drank this beer previously.You found the esters to be banana strong in the nose.Which review do you agree with?

1. ” I put my nose to the glass and immediately picked up on the banana esters.”
2. “Unlike most American Hefevisions, this Hefe was as German as a leaderhosen and had more class than an MIT professor.”
3. “Serifious aromas of tropical islands, warm beaches caressed my cheeks, banana trees shook loose their gift, I experience out-of-body travel,my hands hold tight a cool beer in a Munich beer hall.The yeast rides a golden chariot to my lips, I feel I am a God and I am drinking nectar, the beer flows between the breasts of Aphrodite and into my mouth. This is it.I am copulating.”
4. ” I hate fruity beers. I’d rather have an IPA”

10.
You are at a well stocked beer bar. You are over whelmed with the selections and the bartender is anxiously waiting for you order.
1. You order a well-known “safe” beer”
2. You ask the bartender for his input.
3. You order one of the cheaper “specials”.
4 You ask for a little known beer that you know they won’t have. When the bartender informs you that they don’t have it, you shake your head in disgust and order a Chimay Blue,making sure to leave the bartender a lousy tip.

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About Bobby Bou

Editor of The Daily Cricket

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