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Wife of Tobacco Bigwig Says “Cigarettes Are Healthy”

UPI International – The wife of R.J. Reynolds Tobacco executive Paul Slater launched a verbal counter-attack against a news story today that claims cigarette smoking causes premature wrinkling of the skin. The 37-year-old actress and former runway model,spoke out today on Fox News and stated that the claims were ” fictitious dribble concocted by unqualified doctors and uncouth lay-abouts” With the aid of a Mister Microphone held to her blowhole, Virginia Slater provided a strong but passionate argument against the claims. “Good heavens,” she said ” Do you think that we are so stupid to do anything that would jeopardise our health or our careers? My modeling career is based on my youthful demeanor and appearance. I do realize that someday my beauty will fade but I am certainly not going to accelerate it by any means. These reports of wrinkles and moles and cancers, they’re all rubbish. Bunk! I say.” It is reported that Virginia Slater herself smokes 10 to 12 packs of cigarettes a day.

Actress Virginia Slater 37, visits New York City.

When asked about recent reports that showed that tobacco companies were spending millions of dollars to push into the new Asian markets she replied,
“These people , these Chimamen, have a right to smoke, wouldn’t you agree? Don’t they have the right to smoke? To live? To die? Don’t they also have a right to work? We have bought thousands of acres of land in China for tobacco production and intend to offer them the very same back-breaking gruelling work that we graciously offered to the Negroes here in the U.S. Of course we can’t pay them a lot for their hard work but I assure you ,we will appreciate it. After all, where would we be if we didn’t step on the necks of lesser peoples ? The rich exploit the poor. But if the poor work hard and apply themselves,hopefully they will remain so. This is how it has always been…and with the help of God, this is how it shall remain.”

Virginia Slater met her current husband, CEO Mark Slater at a Hollywood party in 1997 and married shortly after. Soon after though, her acting career stalled and since then she has had only two appearances in motion pictures. In 1999, she played Prune-face in the film Batman 7-Redundancy and in 2006 she starred in the movie “Dishwater“, where she played the role of the wrinkly dishwater finger. Virginia Slater is also President and founder of Final Fashions, a successful fashion company that produces interchangeable blankets,covers and cozies for oxygen tanks, iron lungs and chemotherapy drip machines. In 2009 sales for Final Fashions topped 12 million dollars. ” One day I noticed all these portable oxygen tanks that people were dragging around. It was horrible. There were at most, two or three colors on the tanks.” she recalled,” That’s when it hit me. Fashion for oxygen tanks! Similar to the cozies they have for beer bottles. From there we branched out our product line and now we have 78 stores. What says “FUN !” like a leopard print dialysis machine?! ”

When asked about her own appearance Mrs Slater relied ,” I attribute my beautiful skin to tobacco smoking, the twice daily application of ox urine and Charlie Sheen facials.” Shortly after the interview Mrs Slater was taken out of Fox Studios after complaining of shortness of breath. A spokesperson for the Slater family told reporters that “The dreadful and unclean air of New York City caused Mrs Slater to go into a coughing fit so strong that she inadvertently expelled a lung onto the studio floor. Following a double lung transplant she will resume her position as a traveling liaison for R.J. Reynolds Tobacco Company.

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About Bobby Bou

Editor of The Daily Cricket

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