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CELEBRITIES, SPORTS, TOP NEWS, TRAVEL

The Race Around Kirstie Allen’s Ass

kirstie alley fat ass

Kirstie Alley's bigger ass will make this years race challenging!

U.S. Moped Club is proud to announce that the annual Race Around Kirstie Allen’s Ass will be held on May 6 at Millenium Park in West Roxbury. This years race will be bigger and better than before! Entries must be received by May second.

Please note that there are some new changes. Due to the increase in the girth of Kirstie’s ass, this years course is much longer. Because of this ,we will introduce a 2-wave start. This will ensure the safety of all riders. All riders chosen for the first wave should be on the start line at 8AM. The second wave will go at 8:15 AM.

As in previous years, the start line will be located below Kirsties right boob and riders will proceed in a counter-clockwise direction to the finish line. The finish line will still be located under Kirstie’s left boob and post race parking will be located under the blubber shelf of her mid-section.

Riders are reminded to fill your fuel tanks prior to the race. In previous years, many riders have underestimated the girth of Kirstie’s ass and have run out of fuel along the course. You will be disqualified if you run out of fuel.

There will be 3 water tables set up along the course. However , the mid-course table will be moved closer to Kirstie’s left hip.  Previously, the mid-course table was located directly behind her ass and last year was blown over when a ‘release of built up pressure’ violently escaped past Kirstie’s butt hole. The pressure blast, blamed on a worn o-ring , completely destroyed the aid station and knocked 8 riders from their bikes. One was killed.

All riders are warned to stay clear of the skirt hem. Any rider who attempts to shortcut by driving under her skirt will be disqualified and will not be rescued. In 2007,three riders went under her skirt where they quickly became disoriented in the darkness under her dress and mistakenly took refuge in a bear cave. They were never found.

Following the race there will be a brief memorial celebration for the seven riders who were tragically killed 3 years ago when Kirstie’s shoe heel  broke and caused her to fall onto passing riders, killing them instantly.

There will be NO FOOD ALLOWED on or near the course.

This years winner will receive a $100 check and entry into the Roseanne Barr / Rosie O’Donnell Figure 8 Classic.

If you would like to participate,please go to the Red Tigers Moped Club website to download an application.  Good Luck!

Bill Spears

Race co-ordinator

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About Bobby Bou

Editor of The Daily Cricket

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